-----Original Message-----
From: ksenija
>
> Sex in the Dark
>
> There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
> Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off
> the light.
> Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
> She figures she would break him of this crazy habit.
> So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
> romantic session, she turned on the lights.
> She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
> leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real
> one.
> She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed
> at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years?
> You better explain
> yourself!"
> The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says
> calmly:
>
> "I'll explain the toy . . You explain the kids."
Thursday, January 31, 2008
shopping
______________________________________________
From: Dragutin
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It! was a female doctor notifying her
that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her
husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!
I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in
the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip
you 'ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. What did you buy?'
ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Natacha
ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 only on one condition..."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20.00 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....
"Clean my house."
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Classic comedy (turning racism on it's head)
-----Original Message-----
From: Paul
Subject: Classic comedy (turning racism on it's head)
From: Paul
Subject: Classic comedy (turning racism on it's head)
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/f02d0b8cca
Needs sound and some words used in this clip may cause offence to the PC
brigade.
This warning is sponsored by the financial regulator! :)
Zvuk i svetlost
Ispituje profesorka u vecernjoj skoli Sulju, Hasu i Muju...
Profesorka: Sta je brze, svetlost ili zvuk?
Suljo: Zvuk! Kad upalim televizor, prvo dodje zvuk pa onda slika.
Padne naravno Suljo, i sad dolazi Haso:
Profesorica: Sta je brze, svetlost ili zvuk?
Haso: Svjetlost!! Kad upalim radio prvo se upali lampica, pa tek onda dodje
zvuk.
Padne i Haso i najzad izlazi Mujo...
Profesorka: Sta je brze, svetlost ili zvuk?
Mujo: Profesorice moja, naravno da znam da je svetlost brza od zvuka.
Svaki put kad munja opali, prvo se vidi bljesak, pa tek onda cuje zvuk.
Profesorica vec upisuje prelaznu ocenu, a Mujo nastavlja,
...Sto je i normalno, jer ipak su oci blize nego usi.
Profesorka: Sta je brze, svetlost ili zvuk?
Suljo: Zvuk! Kad upalim televizor, prvo dodje zvuk pa onda slika.
Padne naravno Suljo, i sad dolazi Haso:
Profesorica: Sta je brze, svetlost ili zvuk?
Haso: Svjetlost!! Kad upalim radio prvo se upali lampica, pa tek onda dodje
zvuk.
Padne i Haso i najzad izlazi Mujo...
Profesorka: Sta je brze, svetlost ili zvuk?
Mujo: Profesorice moja, naravno da znam da je svetlost brza od zvuka.
Svaki put kad munja opali, prvo se vidi bljesak, pa tek onda cuje zvuk.
Profesorica vec upisuje prelaznu ocenu, a Mujo nastavlja,
...Sto je i normalno, jer ipak su oci blize nego usi.
Obracanje direktora
______________________________________________
From: Srdjan
TeleGroup
http://s98.photobucket.com/albums/l272/dzeremaja/?action=view¤t=obracanjedirektora.jpg
Monday, January 28, 2008
Iraqi GAA Star
-----Original Message-----
From: Dragutin
From: Dragutin
The new Limerick manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a
new centre forward to replace his old and decrepit players hoping to win
the Sam Maguire. One of the scouts informs him of a Young Iraqi GAA
player who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.
The Gaffer flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and
arranges for him to come over.
Two weeks later Limerick are 4-10 to 1-10 down to Kerry with only 20
minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi lad the nod and on he
goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 4 goals in 20 minutes and wins the
game for Limerick.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the
media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones
his mum to tell her about his first game in the Championship.
Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were
3
goals down but I scored 4 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the
media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father
got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and
your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great
time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!" says his mum, "You're f**king sorry????
(Scroll Down)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> >
>
>
>
>
>
> It's your fault we moved to Limerick in the first place!"
---
Friday, January 25, 2008
EU puzzle za djecu
From: Goran
EU puzzle za djecu
Upozorenje na omotu puzzli:
"Roditelji, oprez djeca ispod 3 godine bi mogla progutati Sloveniju!"
-- ***Smile.... it increases your face value!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Bush Truly Happy
Jon shows footage of Bush on the Wright standing mower, which combines the popularity of mowing your lawn with the fun of standing.
old habits
______________________________________________
From: Dragutin
Hillary Clinton was aghast to discover during a routine physical that she was pregnant. Furious at the disruption it would cause to her campaign, she phoned husband Bill and launched a tirade.
'How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks' pregnant and it is all your fault!'
There was silence at the other end of the phone until Bill eventually asked quietly: 'Who is this?'
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
Dnevnik nedavno udate plavuše-super
From: Marina
Dnevnik nedavno udate plavuše
Ponedjeljak
Evo završio se medeni mesec i smestili smo se u naš novi dom. Veoma je zabavno kuvati za Žarka. Danas sam napravila predivan kolač po receptu: "Umutite 12 jaja odvojeno". No kako nisam imala dovoljno posuda, morala sam pozajmiti nekoliko iz komšiluka da bih umutila sva ta jaja. Kolač je ispao super.
Utorak
Žarko je za večeru želeo voćnu salatu. U receptu je pisalo "Poslužite bez ičega", pa sam skinula odeću. Ali, Žarkoje doveo prijatelja na večeru - nikad nisam videla tako začuđena lica.
Sreda
Odlučila sam da danas poslužim pirinač po receptu koji glasi ovako: "Potrebno je dobro pranje pre stavljanja pirinča u kipuću vodu". Ugrejala sam vodu, okupala se, pa tek onda stavila pirinač da se kuva. Ukus od toga nije bio bolji, ali kad kažu...
Četvrtak
Danas je Žarko tražio salatu. Probala sam novi recept koji glasi: "Iseckajte sve sastojke i onda pospite po listovima zelene salate, sat pre no što je poslužite. Morala sam otrčati skroz do maminog vrta. Posula sam salatu po listovima i čekala tu sat vremena da je pas ne bi pojeo. Žarko je navratio i pitao da li se osećam dobro. Pitam se zašto.
Petak
Žarko je danas bio u kupovini i doneo pile. Zamolio me je da ga sredim za nedelju. Nisam bila sigurna kako se kokoši oblače nedeljom, ali sam našla preslatku haljinicu i male cipelice. Izgledala je divno, ali je Žarko, kada ju je video, izašao iz kuhinje brojavši do 10. Nije mi jasno zašto, pošto sam već znala da on ume da broji.
Subota
Danas su Žarkovi roditelji došli na večeru. Htela sam da napravim pečenje, ali smo u frižideru imali samo hamburger. Stavila sam ga u rernu i podesila kontrole na pečenje. Mora da nešto nije u redu sa rernom, jer je na kraju pečenja opet ispao hamburger? Žarko nije bio baš srećan, pa jedva čekam sutrašnji dan, da mu skuvam neko novo jelo...
ORBIT - baklava
______________________________________________
From: Dragutin
<<BOS_orbit243524756546.jpg>>
Friday, January 18, 2008
zbirka bisera
From: Aleksandar
ÐOLE ÐOGANI - KRALJ BISERA
· Išao sam u pravcu Novog Sada sa Vesnom, kada sam cuo kako peva okrenuo sam auto za 360 stepeni i pravac Beograd
· Sladžo javi se na telefon zove te neki ANSWER!
· Moja Sladža džuska i kad ima ( odgovor na pitanje zašto voli Slaðu)
· Bilo nas je četvoro i ja petoro
· Ja Sladžu nisam ni znao ni poznav'o dok se nismo upoznali
· Čuti, Sladžo, ti si glupa, pusti mene da pričam
· Sladžo, čekam te kod kolima
· Sladžo, nemoj da se svadžamo pred kamere, nismo cigani
· Voditelj: Koji je najtužniji trenutak u vasem životu? - Kad je meni i mom bratu rikn'o čale.
DRAGANA MIRKOVIC
· Najviše volim da pijem sok od ðusa
· Na pitanje da li voli Anu Karenjinu odgovara:- Da, procitala sam sve od nje!
· Na pitanje kako se oseca u novom studiju odgovara: -Osecam se eventualno!
· VODITELJ: Šta citate u poslednje vreme? - Uglavnom TOLSTOJEVSKOG...
C E C A
· Ceca (Trg '99): Ajmo sad nešto veselo "Kad bi bio ranjen ..."
· Da, ja sam samokriticna, narocito prema sebi.
· Da, ja imam osecaj za filing.
· ...kad na naš stadion dolaze SUPROTNIČKI timovi...
· ...kad na naš stadion dolaze SUPROTNIČKI timovi...
Zvonko Mihajlovski:
1. I zavrsen je jos jedan pokretni praznik fudbalskih slika.
2. Cudan nacin dodavanja - jako i nikome !
3. Najdoski je odlicno skocio ali nazalost samo preko precke.
4. Zadovoljio je trenera i zato sada igra.
5. Dok je lopta u vazduhu da vam saopstim spisak timova.
6. Kakav udarac, pocepao je vazduh na vodonik i kiseonik.
7. (Norwich City - Bayer.) Krilo nikad ne pada daleko od beka.
8. Prepun stadion partizana, 50.000 ljudi. Zamislite, 100.000 dlanova!
9. (Hokej) Okrenuo ga je na kocki leda koja bi stala u casu viskija.
10. Brazilska odbrana - planinski venci Siera Madre!
11. Koncert zvizduka za igrace, cisto da se malo muzicki obrazuju!
12. Lopta je proletela paralelno sa ibarskom magistralom!
13. To je bila veca opasnost za avione tipa Avaks nego po gol Pandurovica.
14. Dragan Ciric, igrac duge kose ali velikih mogucnosti!
15. (lopta se natakla na siljak na ogradi i pukla) I lopta je sada pukla kao staklena kugla od porcelana.
16. Navijaci ne prestaju da navijaju iako pada kisa
17. Statistika je kao bikini: otkriva sve, a ne pokazuje nista
18. (Prica o Maradoni, o karijeri, titulama itd) A onda je kudravi gaucos krenuo krivudavim putem kokainskih noci!
19. Zavrsen je jos jedan derbi vecitih rivala, fudbalska predstava van granica prostora i vremena!
20. Ni lose vreme, ni svi minusi gospodina celzijusa nisu mogli da pokvare ovu fudbalksku predstavu!
21. (Zvezda-Napredak,'94.) Posle cetvrtog pogotka crveno-belih iluzije Krusevljana su se pretvorile u rusevine Kartagine!
22. Albert Nadj- perpetum mobile prve vrste partizana!
23. Zbog ovakvih udaraca R.Karlosa osnovace se drustvo za zastitu lopte!
24. Sjajno se ubacuje u fazu odbrane!
25. U Cikagu se igra kriminalni fudbal zato ima puno policajaca oko stadiona!
26. Borusija iz Minhena!!!
27. Bilo je tu kontakta i ful kontakta
28. Strogi sudija iz Danske, postuje fudbalska pravila kao deset bozjih zapovesti
Vladanko Stojakovic:
1. Da,da... dodji 'vamo bato, to se ne sme. Zuta karta!
2. I odlicna intervencija Ljukovcana. Da vidimo zasto se sada Nemci raduju, pa da, to je gol !?
3. Polster, Polster, grhmhm, grhmrhm. (posle dvadesetak sekundi:) I da vidimo zasto su se igraci Kelna kao po komandi povukli na svoju polovinu, da, to je gol, 1:0.
4. Dobro vam vece dragi gledaoci, javljamo se iz Londona sa stadiona Park princeva.
5. (Prenos engleskog prvenstva)"Mekmanamanaman." (McManaman)
6. Kamerun mora da izvuce barem bod pred utakmicu sa Svajcarskom da bi osigurali prolaz... (pauza 10 sekundi) ...oprostite dragi gledaoci, Kamerun nije u istoj grupi sa Svajcarskom...
7. Na stadionu se okupilo oko 30 hiljada dinara.
8. I to je lagana lopta za golmana Stojanovica... (posle minut:) Ne, izgleda da je ipak bio pogodak.
9. (Utakmica reprezentacije) U pocasnoj lozi su i mnogi ugledni gosti i drzavnici na celu sa Drazom Mihajlovicem! (umesto Markovicem)
Milojko Pantic:
1. (trcanje na 400 m) U stazi cetiri je glavni favorit Majkl Dzekson. Pardon, Majkl Dzordan. Nedeljko Kovinjalo se tu ubacuje i kaze: "Da, kolega Pantic zeli da kaze da je Majkl Dzonson u Americi popularan kao njih dvojica."
2. U stazi sedam je Sandej Bada iz Nigerije. Dakle, Nedeljko Bada, staza sedam.
3. (C.Zvezda-Partizan) Evo izlaze Partizanovi igraci... a evo i nasih.
4. Evo nas na stadionu pod Bistricom.
5. (Jugoslavija - Ceska, 1997) Aut za Holandiju.
6.YU-Iran (France 1998): "Nasi nikako ne mogu da probiju njihovu odbranu, jer im je sesnaesterac prepun Peruanaca." (sudija je iz Perua).
7. (Ista utakmica): Danas nije vidjen lep fudbal jer su se Peruanci uglavnom branili.
8. (Yu-Nigerija, Beograd) Prodato je 30000 gledalaca...pardon ulaznica!
9. (Krupan kadar na protivnickog igraca) Ovo je covek koji je napao naseg Dejana - sa ledja
Srdjan Knezevic:
1. Postovani gledaoci, izvinjavam se zbog ovog prekida. Upravo su nam organizatori Olimpijade zabranili da pušimo u reporterskim kabinama. Evo i kolege Španci se bune, nisam samo ja...
2. Pa pogledajte dragi gledaoci ovo telo. Boginskaja je najvisocija od svih gimnasticarki i vidi se na njenoj izduzenoj figuri. Jednom recju - ZENA !...
3. Pogledajte samo kako je gradjen ovaj mladic. Svaka majka bi ga pozelela u svome domu, a tek ti predratni svalerski brcici...
4. (Rukomet) Cela Jugoslavija je sada sigurno na rukama!
Milos Topalovic:
1. Sledecih par minuta ovog snimka proticu u znaku Georgi Hadzija i ove kretenske reklame za kecap.
2. Obratite paznju, na stadionu u Istanbulu samo policijski psi nemaju brkove !?
3. Cokoladni tandem stopera iz Bremena izbacen je iz igre jednim potezom metuzalema Rudija Bomera?!"
4. Lopta je presla zamisljenu gol liniju.
Nedeljko Kovinjalo:
1. Evo nase maratonke Biljane Jeftic
2. (Goteborg 95, 10000m) Ko je to sa brojem dvadesetpethiljadastosedamnaest ?
3. (Goteborg 95, maraton) Ova takmicarka je imala dobar rezultat na Njujorskom aerodromu, a takodje ucestvovala je i na Beogradskom aerodromu.
4. (Goteborg 95, koplje) Stiv Bekli je visok - i tacno 87 metara!
Mladen Delic:
1. (Utakmica Argentina-Holandija, pred kraj utakmice pri rezultatu 1:1): Ako se utakmica zavrsi 1-1, igrace se produzeci, pa ako i onda ostane nereseno, nova utakmica ce se igrati u sredu... ja imam avionsku kartu za ponedeljak... da li ce oni meni dozvoliti da promenim kartu... kako cu ja da se vratim?
2. Jokanovic do Stojkovica, Stojkovic do Stojkovica...
Milorad Djurkovic:
1. (nakon sto je Dejo uputio loptu u prazno) Pa gdje je taj Massaro?
2. (plivanje) Sada Popov vodi za gotovo celu duzinu bazena i Amerikanac ce uspeti da osvoji zlato samo ako Popov pocne da se davi...
3. (Nemacka - Engleska) Da je Gaskojn imao moj broj cipela, sigurno bi ta lopta zavrsila u mrezi.
Galic:
1. (Izvestavao iz rijeckog studija) Loptu ima Zajec zeko,Dinamovo med i mleko
2. (Rijeka - Partizan) Evo ga Predrag Spasic. Moja malenkost inace podseca na njega, ali ne po fudbalskoj klasi vec po broju na glavi vlasi!
Ilija Kovacic:
1. Evo Bishopa, ili svestenika.
2. Na levoj strani je Kar, cije prezime se moze prevesti kao Auto-o (covek se zove Carr)
3. (Everton - Liverpul) Ferguson dodaje do Bola.
4. (Ista utakmica u trenutku kad je Ball dobio loptu.) Lopta za loptu.
Gojko Andrijasevic:
1. (za Salke 04 igra Marko Kurz) "Lopta do Kurca."
Boris Mutic:
1. (Italija 1990, Eng - Kamerun:) Gol je postigao Plat, Dejvid Plet.
2. Micel ! 2-1. Zavrijedio je da mu se kaze cijelo ime. Dva gola za Spanjolsku postigao je Hoze Miguel Gonzales Martin Del Kampo Micel!
Popovski:
1.(Jugoslavija-Rumunija 4:4) Susic je igrac koji bi trebao malo vise da dribla i da koristi svoju tehniku i kontrolu lopte. Evo ga, upravo to i radi... Susic, Susic, Susic i ......... ma ne sam Safete, ne sam. Kakva sebicnost mladog i neiskusnog Susica!!!
Bozo Susec
1. U prepunoj dvorani Drazena Petrovica, okupilo se oko 500 000 vatrenih navijaca!
Sreto Scepanovic:
1. Naseg boksera Svetomira Belica, dragi gledaoci, prepoznacete po belim gacicama, a njegovog protivnika Motungua iz Kenije po crnim gacicama.
Mirko Kamenjasevic:
1. Biogradlic se stustio preko lijevog krila, dribla dvojicu, trojicu, uspio se osloboditi, dodaje loptu do Pejakovica ovaj odigrava dupli pas sa Savicem, Savic mu vraca, Pejakovic sam pred golmanom, dribla i golmana evo ga konacno puca i Go, Go,... cenzura, precka! (Kamenjasevicu je nakon ovog bisera izrecena zabrana prenosa sportskih dogadjaja u trajanju od 3 mjeseca)
Dusko Korac:
1. Jos jednom cemo cuti americku firmu!
2. Ovo je Keli Erikson, sicusna Svedjanka, skakacica u vis, a ovo je njena majka, mama Marija, koja prati svuda svoju cerkicu i ne ispusta je iz vida. A covek koga upravo vidite je snazni momak, Dzon Godina, bacac kladiva. Njemu nisu potrebni ni mama ni tata da ga prate po takmicenjima...
3. Sudija je uzeo prokulin kapi za oci i sada mnogo bolje vidi.
4. Ona je bila pobednica amsterdamskog aerodroma!
5. Jose Mari Perec prica sa majkom preko telefona i majka je pita -"Sta radis?"a ona kaze -"Pijem koka-kolu".Atlanta je, dakle, grad koka-kole ali mi ovde pi-jemo samo pepsi!
6. Pogledajte simpaticnu Norvezanku kako je dobila b-oju, lepo se osuncala ovde u Atini
Slobodan Sarenac:
1. (nakon par dobrih poteza i koša Markovica) "Neki bi sad rekli Mare, care sad je startuj" (iz filma MUNJE)
2. U igru se vraca Canak iako ima pet penala.
Vlada Olic:
1. (1998. Utah vs. Chicago) Skoti Pipen je imao protiv sebe dva dobra odbrambena beka, ali je video da su to dva mala belca pa je zakucao preko njih.
2. Toni Kukoc ide 1 na 1... I najzad mu je uslo!
3. Za razliku od Fila Dzeksona, trenera Cikaga, Slon, trener Jute, vrsi ceste izmene." (Trener Jute se zove Jerry Sloan).
4. Trojka Pipena... I time-out trazi Slon, trener Jute.
Vladimir Anzulovic:
1. Je li to Betega? Je Betega, je Betega.
Milka Babovic (veslanje):
1. Camac je tako, tako, tako... tako lako prevozno sredstvo...
Jordan Ivanovic:
1. Sto bi reko nas narod - deja vu!
Karadzic (RTVCG):
I sada cemo sa automobilizma preci na konjizam.
Dobrosav Gajic:
1. Zoran Savic je imao malu porodicnu neprijatnost ovih dana. Naime umrla mu je majka.
2. I cetvrti poen Savica. Litvanija sada vodi sedam - tri...
3. 1996:yu-sad Americki kosarkasi su visoki 2 i vise metara
4. On je najmladji igrac na prvenstvu cije trenutke upravo privodimo kraju...
Nepoznati komentatori:
1. A danas je na nasem najvecem stadionu Marihua..., pardon, Marakani...
2. Stizu oko 13:30, narodski receno oko pola dva...
3. Ovo je takmicar iz San Marina, male ostrvske drzavice usred Atlantskog Okeana.
4. (Reditelj zumira Ronaldovu mindjusu): "Sreca sto je Ronaldo fudbaler, inace, da je bokser, kakav bi to zalogaj bio za Tajsona" (u doba kad je Tajson odgrizao uvo Holifildu)
5. (Komentator trke formule 1 na BK TV posle udesa Sumahera i Kultarda) Vidimo Sumahera koji ide da se razracuna sa Kultardom. Po njegovim nervoznim pokretima vidimo da je nervozan kao papricica.
6. Evo nas na dzoint stadionu (u pitanju je Giant stadion
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
biblija
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Olja
> Dođe gospođa do svećenika i kaže:
>
> - Velečasni, imam problem. Znate, ima dvije papigice koje pričaju, Rhonda
> und Lucy, ali one cijelo vrijeme govore, znate, samo "one stvari...".
> - One stvari... koje "one stvari"? - upita velečasni.
> - Pa jedino što cijelo vrijeme govore je: Bok, mi smo dvije kurve. Hoćemo
li
> se malo zabaviti?
> - Pa to je strašno! - kaže svećenik. - Ali, znajte, imam ja za vas
rješenje
> tog problema. Donesite vi obje papigice k meni i ja ću ih staviti u kavez
sa
> mojim papigama, Ivanom i Pavlom. Znate, naučio sam ih da čitaju Bibliju i
da
> se mole. Moje papige će se već pobrinuti da Rhonda i Lucy više ne govore -
> "one stvari".
>
> Žena, sva sretna što će čovjek od crkve riješiti problem, donese sutradan
> papige kod svećenika. Papige svećenika sjede u kavezu, proučavaju Bibliju
i
> cijelo vrijeme se mole. Žena otvori kavez i stavi svoje dvije papigice u
> kavez. Prvo što su Rhonda i Lucy rekle je bilo:
>
> - Bok, mi smo dvije kurve. Hoćemo li se malo zabaviti?
>
> Ivan pogleda Pavla i zakrešti:
>
> - Pavle, ostavljaj Bibliju, naše molitve su se uslišile!!!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Tumac malih oglasa
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Olja
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Oglas za Posao
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Olja
Covek ulazi u zavod za zaposljavanje u Nisu, i vidi oglas za upraznjeno mesto 'Ginekoloskog asistenta'.
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veronauka!
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: olivera
Tip se upucava prekrasnoj ženi koja je radila kao vjerouciteljica. Ona pristane i izadju oni na prvi spoj. A tip je upita:
- "Hoćemo li nekud na pice?"
- "Ne,hvala. Da odem na pice sto bih rekla svojim učenicima na vjeronauku?"
Nakon dugotrajne šetnje po gradu ponudi joj cigaretu, a ona odresito odbije:
- "O ne hvala, to nikako! Što bih rekla svojim učenicima na vjeronauku?"
Sjednu u auto i na putu kući tip ugleda motel. Pomisli da ionako nema što izgubiti, pa je upita:
- "Hoćemo li svratiti?"
- "U redu" - odgovori ona.
Šokiran njenim pristankom tip je upita:
- "Čekaj, nije mi jasno ... Pa što ćeš reći svojim učenicima na vjeronauku?"
A ona hladnokrvno odgovori:
"Upravo ono što im uvijek govorim: Ne morate piti i pušiti da biste se dobro proveli!"
vic religijski
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: olivera
Jedan mladi katolički sveštenik bio je toliko nervozan da pre svoje prve mise nije mogao ni reč progovoriti, pa upita biskupa za savet. Ovaj mu reče da sledeći put popije čašu vode sa 2 kapljice vodke i odmah će se osećati slobodnije. Posle toga, sveštenik se osećao tako dobro da ga više ništa nije moglo uznemiriti. Međutim, u povratku sa mise pronađe sledeću ceduljicu od biskupa...
"Poštovani svešteniče, sledeći put stavite nekoliko kapljica vodke u vodu, a ne obratno. Osim toga, evo još nekoliko saveta kako se neki ispadi ne bi ponovili:
1. Nije potrebno stavljati kriške limuna na ivicu pehara.
2. Ne oslanjajte se više na statuu blažene Device Marije, ne grlite je i ne ljubite.
3. Postoji 10 zapovesti, a ne 12, 12 apostola a ne 7. Nijedan od njih nije bio patuljak.
4. Isusa i njegove učenike ne zovemo "I.H. i kompanija".
5. David je pobedio Golijata praćkom i kamenom, nije ga umlatio i prosuo mu mozak.
6. Judu ne nazivamo kurvinim sinom.
7. Papu ne moramo zvati "El Padrino".
8. Bin Laden nema nikakve veze sa Isusovom smrti.
9. Hostija nije grickalica uz vino već za vernike.
10. Grešnici idu u pakao a ne u p.m.
11. Onaj u uglu pored zbora, kojeg ste nazvali pederom, kontrašem i transvestitom u suknji, bio sam ja."
1. Nije potrebno stavljati kriške limuna na ivicu pehara.
2. Ne oslanjajte se više na statuu blažene Device Marije, ne grlite je i ne ljubite.
3. Postoji 10 zapovesti, a ne 12, 12 apostola a ne 7. Nijedan od njih nije bio patuljak.
4. Isusa i njegove učenike ne zovemo "I.H. i kompanija".
5. David je pobedio Golijata praćkom i kamenom, nije ga umlatio i prosuo mu mozak.
6. Judu ne nazivamo kurvinim sinom.
7. Papu ne moramo zvati "El Padrino".
8. Bin Laden nema nikakve veze sa Isusovom smrti.
9. Hostija nije grickalica uz vino već za vernike.
10. Grešnici idu u pakao a ne u p.m.
11. Onaj u uglu pored zbora, kojeg ste nazvali pederom, kontrašem i transvestitom u suknji, bio sam ja."
Pokloni za Novu...
Razgovaraju Hrvatica i Srpkinja o pokolonu za novu godinu. Hrvatica kaže:
• Ja sam dobila zlatan sat, zlatne naušnice i zlatni prsten, ma sve zlatno...
A Srpkinja će na to:
• Ma, ja sam dobila kurac!
Hrvatica zakoluta očima:
• Kak' prost narod, a tak' krasan poklon.
A Srpkinja će na to:
• Ma, ja sam dobila kurac!
Hrvatica zakoluta očima:
• Kak' prost narod, a tak' krasan poklon.
BENITEZ'S DESK MOVED INTO CAR PARK
-----Original Message-----
From: Paul
From: Paul
The desk of
Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez has been moved into the car park as a 'precautionary measure', the club confirmed last night.
'You'll
all be out here as soon as the weather picks up a bit,' said BenitezCo-owners Tom Hicks and George Gillet said the move was 'standard business practice' in the US.
Hicks added: "We're due
to move into the new stadium in 2011 and we need to start shifting our stuff sooner rather than later. Putting all Rafa's gear into some cardboard boxes in the car park gives us a head start."
The
manager's name has also been scrubbed from his parking bay and his name plate removed from his office door in what Hicks called 'standard health and safety procedure'.
Meanwhile, Benitez has bought
himself a small gas stove and a kettle, a fold out chair and a camping table so that he can continue to run the team from the car park.
He
is currently sheltering under a golf umbrella held by one of his backroom staff, although he expects to take delivery of a £229 'Canberra' 12 person three-room tent from Argos later this week.
Benitez
said: "In Spain I ran Valencia from the beach with just a windbreak and a small changing towel. And this way I can make sure no-one nicks my alloys."
Monday, January 14, 2008
A*s study
______________________________________________
From: Dragutin
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses,
the results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat............
10% of women think their ass is too skinny......
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
fisherman
______________________________________________
From: Dragutin
To all the fishermen I know:
On Saturday morning I got up early. I put on my long johns. I dressed quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck - and down
the driveway I went.Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is Hail mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
statistika
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: olivera
From: olivera
- 10% zena su imale seksualni odnos samo jedan sat posle pocetka
prvog sastanka sa nekim muskarcem
- 20% zena je vodilo ljubav na neobicnim mestima
- 36% zena se izrazava u prilog nudizma
- 45% zena privlace muskarci sa crnom kosom i plavim ocima
- 70% zena najvise voli da vodi ljubav ujutru
- 80% muskaraca nije imalo homoseksualne kontakte
- 90% zena bi volelo da vodi ljubav u sumi
- 99% zena nije nikada vodilo ljubav u kancelariji
Zakljucak:
Statisticki posmatrano, imate vise sanse za seks ujutru sa nepoznatom
zenom u sumi, nego sa koleginicom posle radnog vremena u
kancelariji...
Some parents have no consideration for what they call their kids! :-)
From: Paul
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Quiz Answers - ouch.
From: Philip
Quiz Answers - ouch.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your
hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is
the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and
'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset
with you.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the
Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.
QUIZMANIA
Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
Contestant: Grandfather.
Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
Contestant: Panda.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?
MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm . . .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?
SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.
FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED
and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?
THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)
Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes
the letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific
ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a
famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er
... three?
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.
RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek
goddess of victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?
BLIND DATE (ITV)
Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy: Charlotte Bronte.
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ... Mexico?
DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea:a)
Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?
Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now,
Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the
sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.
BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80
tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm . . .
Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.
************************
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