Thursday, December 20, 2007
vicevi
Kad ljudi oponaðaju þivotinje, to je Bosna.
Ðta radi Mujo kad zavrði pravni fakultet ?
Premesti skelu na ekonomski .
Mujo, izgorela nam sijalica u kuhinji , da je bacim?
Nemoj, valjace nam preko dana!
Pita Mujo Hasu : Jel ' znað Haso koje su danas najvece bolesti u svetu ?
Haso kaþe: Pojma nemam!
-Kako ne znað, bolan, sida i pticji grip!
- Vala, bað me briga, kaze Haso - Niti jebem, niti letim.
Doðao Mujo kuci i zatekao Fatu i Hasu u krevetu. Stane da vice na Hasu:
- Pa ti si mi bio najbolji drug, sedeli smo u istoj klupi, delili smo
dobro i zlo. Bolan, ama bar prekinite dok pricam!
Kaþe prijateljica Fati:
- Znað li bona da te Mujo vara?
- Ma znam, a znam i s kim, samo ne znam s cim?
Pita Mujo Hasu:
- Kad bi na levo jaje okacio teg od 10 kg, a na desno jaje teg od 20
kg, a na onu stvar u sredini teg od 50 kg, koji bi ti organ prvi
riknuo?
Haso misli,misli i na kraju kaþe: Nemam pojma!
A Mujo ce: Pa glasne þice!
Gledaju Mujo i Fata pornic , kad se pojavi crnac .
- Vidi Fato kol'ki mu je, veci od moga ! - povika Mujo.
- Ne da je veci od tvoga, nego tolikog u cijelom Sarajevu nema!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
A joke
From: Jelena
A Mens-Only Weight Loss Program...
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands
before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe with a sign around
her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, I'm yours.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for
the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he
weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next
day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing a
skimpy running outfit, running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads, 'If you catch me, I'm yours.'
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the
next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in
better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to
go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our
most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he
finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you,
you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Malo smijeha
From: Jelena
Marriage, Marriage...and more Marriage...
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must
be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.
-Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
"What does a woman want?"
-Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Anonymous
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to
a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft
music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
-Henny Youngman
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
-Sam Kinison
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage.
-James Holt McGavran
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the
second one didn't.
-Patrick! Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once...
-Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."
-Anonymous
Milan tarot!
-----Original Message-----
From: Aleksandar
Na pitanje gledalaca da li ce se i kada
udati/ozeniti
- Vi srecete coveka svog zivota za 8 dana.
Stefanovic Zarko, radnik u
menjachnici.
- Za 9 dana upoznajete Peru i za 14 meseci ulazite u brak, on ima garsonjeru na 7 spratu, sa zelenim roletnama.
-Za tri dana kad bude padala kisha i kad budete prelazili ulicu, Zivorad ce vas pitati koliko je sati. Za njega cete se udati.
- Udacete se, ovde izasla karta, kad ugradite silikone...
-Vi se udajete kad izvadite jedno rebro s leve i drugo s desne, i podvrgnete se plasticnom hirurgu da imate struk 60
- Za 9 nedelja i 5 dana... i ovde izasla karta na halkidikiju... to je na novom zelandu...
- Pa vi se udajete! Turski milijarder... omer pasha latas je izasao...
- Cera se udaje i zivece u sumi... za cedu drvosecu...i imace dosta dece ...cek da vidim...pola tuceta ovde izaslo!
- Za Grckog milijardera, zovite od 1-4 da vam kazem da li je multi ili samo milijarder
- Zenite se za jelenu, sutra ce raditi na njivi, upoznavanje za 9 nedelja, isto na njivi....
- Udacete se kad budete prodali kravu.
- Udajete se za Dzoni Vajs Miler iz Detroita
- Vi se udajete! Svadba za 3 dana!
- Ne samo da ce se ozeniti, nego ce ozeniti arapsku princezu!
-Vi upoznajete Djoleta u vasoj zgradi i ovde izaslo da opravlja kisobrane...
- On ce se ozeniti za 8 godina, 5 meseci, 6 dana, 10 sati, 23 minuta,
15 sekundi i 213 hiljaditinki....
- Vi upoznajete za 12 dana djuru mornara, sa sarenim ocima...
- Ona se udaje za 6 nedelja i izasao je dzon, znachi gastarbajter iz Svedske. Za njega se udaje.
Gledateljka: Kako ce mi se zvati buduci muz?
Milan: Tom Kruz.
G: Tom Kruz???
M: Kada ja kazem da cete se udati za Tom Kruza, ne mislim na onog koji je slavan. Nije on jedini covek koji se tako zove na ovom svetu. Ima i drugih sa tim imenom. Samo sam to hteo da pojasnim onima koji to jos ne znaju...
- Uvek pogodim ime i prezime vaseg buduceg bracnog partnera. Pogodio sam vise od 1000 puta. Samo jednom nisam pogodio.
Verujte mi taj covek
je dva dana posle emisije otisao u opstinu i zamislite promenio je ime
- Tarot?
- Dobro vece, izvolite.
- Debil*ino...
- Hm...pa dobro. Ajde da vidimo zivotnu kartu ove gospodje kad je vec
zvala: dakle - u proslom zivotu je bila normalna.
(baca jos jednom
karte) U sledecem zivotu biæe nenormalna. (baca opet karte) A u ovom zivotu je retardirana seljanka! Dalje? Imamo li nekoga na vezi?
- Za koga cu se udati?
- Za sledeceg ministra trgovine Dominikanske republike.
- Da l cu prodati kucu
- Za 31 dan, prodajete kucu preko agencije u kojoj ste dali. Izaslo Petrovic Marko, nezaposlen. Njemu prodajete.
- Zanima me stanje u kuci
- Ovde su izashli duhovi u vashoj kuci.
- Kada cu zatrudneti ?
- Veceras u 2:05
- Zanima me da li ce mi se cerka udati.
- Ona se udaje za princa, i ovde je izasla karta iz skotske
- Sta ve biti sa penzijom moje supruge?
- Mora da potplati da bi je dobila...idemo dalje...tarot gradi pitanje...
- Da li cu dobiti na lotu?
- Brojevi 2, 14, 26, 30. zovite ponovo i dat cu vam jos 3 broja. A za
7 dana u Vranju kupite dve table lozova i dobicete mercedes SLK.
- Zdravlje?
- Perite sudje destilovanom vodom, jer voda iz cesme ima puno kamenca.
- Da li cu resiti stambeno pitanje?
- Nemojte da uzimate novi stan, ne valja mu kanalizacija.
- Ko mi je prosle godine zapalio kamion?
- Tarot je izbacio dva imena, pa zovite posle jedan da ne govorim javno, i dacu vam brojeve licnih karata tih ljudi.
- Ostala sam u dobrim odnosima sa bivsim muzem i zanima me zbog cega se ne javlja u poslednje vreme?
- On se sada vidja sa mladjim devojkama, sinoc su bili u piceriji i jeli su Kapricozu, a kada nema pare, vodi je na mesano meso.
- Dobro vece, tarot
- Dobro vece, htela bi za cerku...
- Gospodjo, morate reci tarot, inace vas server izbacuje...
- Dobro, tarot! Htela sam za cerku da pitam kad ce se zaposli i gde?
- Da vidimo sta kaze tarot... Cerka se zaposljava za... 13 nedelja i 2 dana...
- Jao, hvala puno...
- I to u kiosku, na autobuskoj stanici u Beogradu...
- Sta mi mozete reci za majku?
- Majka vam je umrla!
- Nije, ziva je!
- Umrece.
- Odnos sa muzem?
- Ne prekidajte vezu u kojoj ste, a sa mužem se ne razdvajajte jer imate odliène predispozicije za udovištvo...
- Kad ce mom sinu da krene posao?
- Vasem sinu ce krenuti na bolje kad pocne da slusa grupu Rammstein
- Zanima me zdravlje.
- Znam da ste bolesni. Ovde izaslo da jedete 9 dana burek i jogurt i ozdravice te.
- Ja sam zvao malopre i rekli ste mi da zovem ponovo. Kada cu ja dobiti neke pare?
-Izasla karta da nazovete za 14 minuta!
- Moj sin je u inostranstvu. Da li ce dobiti vizu?
- On ce dobiti vizu tako sto ce biti u programu lansirne rampe na Mars. On ce biti astronaut i ucestvovace u probnoj misiji za Mars.
Samo tako ce dobiti vizu. Tako kaze tarot...
- Kada cu se udati i za koga?
- Vi se udajete za Marka Lucifera iz Sardinije.
- Interesuje me da li cu se zaposliti?
- Vi se zaposljavate u maju kod Luisa Enrikea u diskontu pica.
- Moj suprug treba da ide na operaciju...
- Bice, operisace ga hirurg, imace zeleno odelo, masku preko lica i bele rukavice.....ja sad ne znam jesam li nesto pogodio....
- Kad ce mi se popraviti materijalna situacija?
- Za 14 dana umrece vam bogata tetka i ostaviti 75
258 eura.
- Zdravlje?
- Vi mora da snimite levi i poludesni bubreg!
- Da li ce sin da ode u inostranstvo?
-Ne samo da ce da ode u australiju nego ce on tamo da gaji kengure...
- Zanima me zdravlje.
-Vi morate u bolnicu izasle je karta. Zovite sad hitnu pomoc...
- Da li cu prodati kucu?
- Necete. Izasla karta ukleta kuca na brdu.
- Zdravlje za sestru
- Ona je jako bolesna. izasla karta depresija apatije. Jedino moze da se izleci ako jede grozdje...
- Da li cu da se ozenim?
- Da. Upoznaæete devojku, Simonidu Velickovic...
Kada? 9 dana, 5 sati,
17 min. i 6 sekundi nakon sto procitate Gete-ove pesme...
- Kako se ja zovem?
- Izaslo vam da se zovete Jevremovic Dmitar zvani Bane... (veza: tu tu tuuu) Sta pogodio sam? Pa ovo je neverovatno.
Ma ne nisam ja kralj,
to je tarot. Veceras 100% pogadjam imena ljudi i datume rodjenja, ako zelite moze i oba.
- Da l' ce suprug u inostranstvo?
- Uuuuu on ide za 5 nedelja, cim dobije vizu
- Ali on je vec dobio vizu
- A ne, za tu zemlju trebaju 2 vize, tarot to zna
- Da li ce cerka zavrsiti fakultet?
- Ne samo da ce zavrsiti nego ce ona postati dekan cim zavrsi!
-Zdravlje?
- Vi ste bolesni, sudove morate da perete toplom vodom, ladna voda direktno utice na kalcijum kostiju.
- Posao?
-Uuu vi ce te otici u inostranstvo i bicete direktor....ne vidi se dobro....zgrada je visoka 74 metra...
- Vas sin je rodjen pod srecnom zvezdom i zagarantovan mu je uspeh u zivotu.
- Moj sin je invalid.
- Aha...da...
- Finansije?
-finansije ce se popraviti kad iz kuce izbacite televizor...
-finansije vam se popravljaju kad greskom na vas racun umesto na racun vaseg direktora uplate njegovu platu od 120.000 dinara...
- za 20 dana otvorite poslednju fioku i naci cete kesu u kojoj ce biti 97.000 evra.
- Kada cu se udati i za koga?
- A, pa vi se udajete za 7 meseci
- Gospodine ja sam vec udata imam i dete.
- Udacete se opet kakve veze ima sto se sada udati
- Da li ce moj sin naci devojku.
- Hoce, za tri nedelje u Beogradu na jednoj zurci i zvace se Perka.
- Zdravlje?
- Vi se gusite zbog usisivaca. Sutra ujutro odmah da ga bacite u kantu ili kontejner, i kupite novi.
- Nek proda stampac i ozdravice!
- Alo, jel cu da dobijem ovaj sudski spor?
- Gospodine, znate, ne mozemo na tom nivou da razgovaramo, kada budete spremni javite se...
- Sta kazu karte?
- Karte kazu da Vi imate neki problem, jel sam pogodio?
- Jeste, jeste!
- Pa ja znam, nego zbog ostalih gledalaca
- Kako mi se zove sin?
- Sin vam se zove Miroslav, izasla karta, jel sam pogodio? (prekida se
veza) jesam, pa znam, nego ja zbog ostalih gledalaca, kazu namesteno... sta kazete svaka mi cast, ma taman posla, samo da znam da odrzavam sto posto procenta u pogadjanju...
- Kad cu prodati kola?
- Ovako, ta kola imaju cetiri tocka, malo su bledje boje... jel tako, jel sam pogodio?
- Jeste, jeste...
- Ma znam, prodajete ih za 6 nedelja
- Kada æu kupiti stan?
- A pa necete kupiti stan, znate to i sami...
Nemojte ljudi da me
zovete za gluposti da otvaram Tarot za bezveze...
Ja sam lepo
predlozio da cena poziva bude 100 dinara, ali nije proslo pa je samo 70. Inace, u Nemackoj sam radio za 3,99 eura pa Vi vidite...
Friday, December 14, 2007
Deda Mraz
ON THE TECHNICAL EXPLANATION FOR SANTA CLAUS'S ABILITY TO DELIVER PRESENTS WORLDWIDE IN A SINGLE NIGHT
by
Larry Silverberg
Professor of Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering
An invited lecture presented at the
Annual Meeting held in
The Premise
Goal: To explain the phenomenon of Santa Claus
Human factors: What human conditions can explain
the phenomenon? Why would a community of elves
evolve to dedicate itself to such a goal?
Engineering Principles: What instruments and devices would need to be developed. What engineering limitations would need to be overcome?
Science: Which scientific principles would be used?
Do we currently have the ability to understand these
scientific principles? If we don't understand the scientific
principles, then why not, and why does Santa understand
them?
The following is the story of how and why Santa delivers presents to children based upon the most likely scenario given the human, physical, and engineering constraints that we all live with.
The Expedition to the North Pole
• Centuries ago, in a small Norwegian village crime becomes widespread (like biblical
• Life at the North Pole, with its cold weather and its strong winds, is difficult. But the hardship draws Santa and his elves close together.
• They build elaborate underground dwellings to protect themselves from the harsh conditions, and they learn how to grow their own food in underground greenhouses.
• The underground dwellings are built using technologies similar to those developed by NASA for moon dwellings. Closed ecological systems are used for agricultural production and for high quality air circulation.
The Constitution
• Santa and elves agree to dedicate their lives to goodwill. They write the following constitution:
WHEREAS, the great elves of the North Pole are a generous and intelligent people; and
WHEREAS, dedication to goodwill is uplifting to the spirit, to each and to all;
NOW, THEREFORE, we the great elves of the North Pole from this day forward dedicate ourselves to the delivery of presents once a year on the eve of CHRISTMAS day to the good children of the world.
The Evolution of Santa's
Science and Technology
• Santa's society of elves has at least five hundred uninterrupted years to evolve- socially and intellectually.
• Their understanding of physics and engineering exceeds our own.
• To deliver presents in a single night, Santa and elves would have researched a means to create more "time" - recognizing that time itself can be stretched like a rubber band, that space itself can be squeezed like an orange, and that light itself can be bent (based on general relativistic principles).
• It is thought that the first breakthrough came when they learned how to control time, how to control space and how to control light. They would have created “relativity clouds.”
• In contrast with Santa's five hundred years of understanding general relativistic principles, our understanding spans less than 100 years - and it's incomplete. We haven't unified the electrical and gravitational forces, nor resolved issues associated with wave-particle duality, nor examined singularities and other dramatic curvatures of space-time that could be used to manipulate space-time.
• Relativity clouds are controllable domains (volumes) within which space-time is controlled. An observer inside a relativity cloud perceives time, space and light differently than an observer outside the relativity cloud.
• Inside the relativity cloud, Santa has months to deliver presents. Santa sees the world frozen and only hears silence.
• Upon returning to the North Pole, and leaving the domain of the relativity cloud, only a few minutes go by.
• The presents are truly delivered in the wink of an eye.
Listening to Children’s Thoughts
• An antenna is spread out under the snow. The antenna aperture is a round mesh, a few square miles in size, with mesh spacing on the order of a millimeter to accommodate microwave frequency reception. The antenna receives the electromagnetic waves from children's' thoughts.
• The associated input signals to the computer are divided into different sources associated with children's brain waves. This is done by a dedicated filtering software platform. The filtering is accomplished using tunable FFTs (fast Fourier transforms), adaptive pattern recognition algorithms, and with artificial intelligent neural networks with automated hidden layer constructions.
• The listening antenna combines technologies currently used in EKGs, antennas looking into deep space, and cellular telephones.
The Sleigh
The sleigh-port is an underground facility that serves as a command and control center. It houses Santa's central computer, which has a fully integrated optical-based architecture. The sleigh has a similar on-board computer.
• Unlike our Shuttle, Santa's sleigh is a fully autonomous vehicle. At launch, the sleigh downloads needed information, activates the relativity cloud, and initiates the launch sequence.
• The Sleigh's dashboard is holographic. It displays cruise control and manual override, the nano-toymaker, the children’s toy lists, and the optimized navigational maps. The sleigh also has two drink holders (for eggnog).
• Reindeer are equipped with jet packs for propulsion and control.
• Reindeer are specially bred to balance on rooftops and bio-engineered to see well at night. But we think that Santa really uses reindeer because they're his favorite arctic animals!
Entering Homes
• Relativity cloud is used not only for transportation, but also to “morph” Santa into children's homes.
• Sleigh changes some of the relativity cloud's characteristic parameters to send Santa through the tiniest of openings into the child's home.
• Depending on time allowed, Santa has the option to morph the presents from the sleigh to under the tree and not to enter the home himself.
The Presents
• The presents are grown on-the-spot under the tree wrapping and all using a nano-toymaker.
• Nano-toymaker has a toy information data base that is kept on the sleigh and a remote control. The database contains toy-making instructions. The remote control initiates the toy-making.
• Use of a nano-toymaker avoids the need to haul large quantities of toys (reduces payload). It also simplifies and automates the elves' toy making processes.
• The nano-toymaker remote control is pointed at toy making material placed under the tree, and a catalyst initiates a rapid crystallization growth process. The process is analogous to inorganic crystal growth of minerals, and snow, and the DNA driven organic growth of biological organs, tissues and other body parts.
• The toy instruction algorithms could have been first developed by copying the manner in which DNA molecules command the growth of organic material
Statistics
• 191 million children under age 18 in industrialized countries (per UNICEF).
• Average of 2.67 children per home. So there are 75 million homes to visit.
• Earth's radius is 3986 miles which yields a surface area of 4pR2=200 million square miles.
• Average distance between homes is the square root of 200/75 =1.63 miles.
• Total distance traveled is 75x1.63=122 million miles.
• An upper bound without relativity: Assuming 1 sleigh delivering presents over 24 hours, the average speed of the sleigh is 122x106/24=5, 083, 000 mph (Mach 480). The speed of light is 300 million meters/sec. = 669,600,000 mph which is 669,600/5,083=130 times greater than the average speed of the sleigh. There's more than enough time to do it!!
• A more realistic scenario: Assume Santa delivers the presents in 6 "Santa" months. The average speed is then 5,083,000/182.5 = 27,852 mph (Mach 2.62).
• In another scenario, assume that Santa has a fleet of 750 sleighs. The average speed is then 84 mph - which is achievable using Santa's reindeer equipped with jetpacks.
Summary
• Human Factors: conditions are established that create accelerated growth on the moral and technological levels.
• Physics: Santa's understanding of relativistic principles reaches a point where the manipulation of time-space becomes possible. Relativity clouds are created.
• Engineering: Antennas are used to listen to children's thoughts; An advanced sleigh with jetpacks takes Santa from home to home in 6 "Santa" months (which in our time is in a wink of an eye); Data is processed using an "optical" computer; toys are synthesized in a process analogous to DNA growth of biological parts.
• Final Comments: One scenario explaining how Santa delivers presents to children worldwide in a single night was put forward. Other scenarios should also be put forward - the most plausible in the end prevailing.
The premise, as stated here, can be put forward to your students. It's amazing what you'll find - when you ask them to dream...
HEMA
From: Goran
Take a look at HEMA's product page. You can't order anything and it's in Dutch but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens.
http://producten.hema.nl:80/
Thursday, December 13, 2007
I pingvini zickaju za caj
From: Jelena
Finding Love When It's Freezing...
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first
date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was
absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah. It
was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and
truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed
home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the
middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside
the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and
she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and
started.
In the deep snow she didn't have very good footing, so she let her
butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and
indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could
think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing
nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware
of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her
buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she
attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly
apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's, concerns about "what is taking so long" with a
reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some
assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater
and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out
laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to
compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced
with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free
her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her
free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to
unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience
screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or
perhaps that should be "pants down". And you thought your first date
was embarrassing!
Jay Leno's comment, "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
sitting next to her on the Tonight Show.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
JEDANAEST SAVJETA FATE ZA USPJESAN BRAK
JEDANAEST SAVJETA FATE ZA USPJESAN BRAK
Jedanaest savjeta Fate za uspjesan brak iz njenog provjernog bracnog iskustva sa Mujom:
1. Tri puta sedmicno vodi me na burek da me obraduje. Ja ga rasucem i napravim, a on mi kaze: bujrum, hajd' izadji iz kuhinje i pojedi i ti malo.
2. Popodne nikad ne spavamo zajedno: on spava sam na kaucu u dnevnom boravku a ja brisem prasinu i perem sude.
3. Svakog mjeseca, cim mu bude plata, vodi me da mi kupi razne poklone : deterdzent za sudje da se ne mucim i perem na suho, wc sanitar da ne moram samo cetkom i vodom trljati kadu i plocice,
4. Rodjena sam u novembru pa mi za rodjenadan kupi cetiri metra drva i onda gleda kako uzivam u poklonu dok ja unosim drva u podrum. Tu vecer uzivamo kraj vatre u sporetu mada znam da ga zivcira sto ja odmah spominjem da bih za Novu godinu volila da dobijem na poklon dvije tone cumura. Vidim da u njemu kuha od bijesa, da se suzdrzava da me ne odalami i da u sebi roji : tek je jedan poklon otvorila a vec misli o drugom. Ali takve smo mi zene. Sta se tu moze.
6. On vodi racuna o mom izgledu i kao dobar muz pazi na moju liniju i tjera me da drzim dijetu kako bi dobro izgledala. Stavio je katanac na frizider da ne bi mogla da doruckujem. Ako napravim batake za rucak, on pojede sve batake a meni, dusa moja, ostavi samo krompir, a onda ja kazem: pa nisu djeca na dijeti. "Jesu li zenska djeca u nas?" - pita. "Jesu"- reko. "E pa, moraju na dijetu k'o i majka." - kaze. Takav ti je moj Mujo, pravi moderni domacin koji vodi racuna da zene izgledaju moderno. Procit'o je negdje da je jabukovo sirce dobro za dijetu, pa mi je prosle sedmice zabranio da jedem i samo mi davao po casu jabukova sirceta tri puta dnevno, sve dok se nisam sasrala i dobila proljev.
7. Posebno vodi racuna o mom tenu i odrzavanju koze. Moj Mujo je tako dobar muz da me svako vecer natjera da stavim masku na lice tako da mi nije vidio lice za vrijeme seksa ima deset godina. Cim dodje s posla, odmah me opet natjera da stavim masku na lice da bi mi koza bila mekana. Subotom i nedeljom ne da mi nikako da skidam masku sa lica i moram da je drzim cijeli vikend. Ja ga molim da mi je skine makar dok Arsenal igra protiv Liverpula.
8. Kad se setamo robnom kucom izgledamo kao zaljubljeni par jer me on drzi za ruku, tj. zavrne mi ruku da ne mogu nista da pipam.
9. Po noci me istjera iz spavace sobe da ne bi morala da slusam njegovo hrkanje.
10. Sto jest - jest: ne da mi da nista radim po kuci sama. Vazda natjera i mene i moju majku da zajedno radimo.
11. Nikad se ne izmiva brez mene.. Svaki mjesec kad se nakani da se okupa, fino me zamoli da mu ugrijem vodu, i naspem u kadu pa istrljam ledja, i vazda place i samar mi zvekne ako ga, nedaj boze, ujede za oci, pa pazim jako, a ako budem dobra i ne ujede ga nikako za oci, onda me pusti da se i ja okupam u onoj istoj vodi kad on izadje iz kade...Eto kako je stedljiv moj Mujo, dusha moja
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Mujo i Haso....
-----Original Message-----
From: ksenija
Kaze Englez: Moja je zena u krevetu ko lavica...
Kaze Francuz: Moja je zena njezna ko leptir...
Kaze Mujo: Ni moja ne lici na covjeka...
Gojko i UN
From: Goran
Neretva, 1943. Partizan govori:
- "Druže Tito, ponestaje nam hrane, ostalo je jos samo 15 sendviča, što ćemo?"
Tito:
- "Sendviče daj ranjenicima, a mi ćemo, kad prijeđemo Neretvu, kod Gojka na janjetinu."
UN:
- "Imamo li uopće dokaza, da Iračani posjeduju oružje za masovno uništavanje?
Bush:
- "Naravno! Sačuvali smo sve račune."
Vicevi...
From: ksenija
Mujo i tehnika
Otišao Mujo u saunu. Gleda sve goli muškarci. Odjednom kod nekoga zazvoni mobitel, kad neki tip iz guzice vadi telefon i obavlja razgovor. Mujo u èudu.
Nedugo potom opet zazvoni mobitel, kad neki drugi tip iz guzice vadi telefon i razgovara.
Mujo se zabrinuo šta on sad da radi. Pozeleni od zavisti pa ode u WC i nagura toalet papira u dupe i vrati se u saunu.
Svi prisutni vide da mu iz dupeta viri papir, pa ga zaæuðeno pitaju šta je to, a Mujo kulerski kaže:
- Ma sigurno mi stig'o fax!
Mujo na baletu
Suljo: Gdje si bio sinoæ Mujo?
Mujo: Ma vodili me na neki balet.
Suljo: Šta ti je bolan to?
Mujo: Ma skupi se raja, pa uleti jedna pravo luda ženska i nešto se k'o baca, pa bi da poleti, pa ne može. Najzad joj prileti neki kuronja, pa bi je jebo, pa ne bi, pa bi je jebo, pa ne bi, pa je najzad digne, pomiriše picu i baci.
Ðe si bio dok je rat traj'o?
Prošao rat i sastali se Suljo i Mujo.
- Ðe si ti bio Mujo dok je rat traj'o?
- Ja sam ti bio u Žljebovima.
- Ðe ti je to?
- Ma jedno selo, jedno dva'es kilometara od Sarajeva. A ðe si ti bio?
- U Londonu!
- A ðe ti je to bolan?
- Pa jedno, tri hiljade kilometara od Sarajeva.
- A ja vukojebineee!
Mujo i otmièari
- I tako ti ja, bolan Haso, sjednem u avion i pravac Frankfurt, kad za pola sata pojavi se neka raja, zauzmu avion i kažu da su otmièari. A mene baš zaboli, ono, nije moj avion, briga me, 'ladan k'o Klint Istvud. Bijah miran sve dok nisu krenuli da siluju jednu žensku. Tu je meni puk'o film. Dignem se ja i dreknem, onako k'o šerif: "Pustite je, majku vam!". I pustili je na miru, ali postavili meni ultimatum: "Ili skaèeš ili te svi guzimo!".
Haso se sav uživio u prièu, pa pita Muju:
- I, jesi skak'o?
- Jesam malo, u poèetku .
Filadendronska epizoda
Došao Mujo u goste Hasi u Njemaèku, a Haso mu, ponosan, pokazuje stan:
dnevni boravak, spavaæu sobu, WC, kupaonicu .... - podosta toga jer je stan bio povelik.
Od tolike šetnje Muji se prisralo, ali je zaboravio gdje je WC. Nije bio siguran ni da li bi ga znao koristiti, a i sramota je to pitati. Ukratko, uzdajuæi se u svoju snalažljivost, izgubi se na trenutak i dok ukuæani nisu gledali, išèupa filadendron iz æupa u dnevnom boravku, posere se unutra i vrati biljku kao da se ništa nije dogodilo. Ipak, zbog te se epizode osjeæao pomalo posramljeno, pa je izmislio prièu da mora hitno kuæi, jer da, kao, nije baš siguran u Fatu, da sigurno nešto mulja dok njega nema .
Uglavnom otišao je glavom bez obzira. Nakon mjesec dana dolazi mu pismo od Hase i piše:
"Mujo, priznaj gdje si se posrao. Veæ smo se triput selili."
Fata i teroristi
Mujo se žali Hasi kako mu je Fata otišla u teroriste.
- Pa kako to bolan Mujo?
- Ma neki dan ja prolazim pored kuæe, a moja Fata doziva teroriste.
- Pa kako ih doziva?
- Eto, sve vièe - Sada Me Huseine!
Haso priznaje da je "gej"
Sjede Mujo i Haso na klupici u parku i razgovaraju ...
- Mujo je'l ti mogu nešto priznat ... ti si prijatelj ... ti æeš me razumjet'?
- Ja jaaa ... reci!
- Mujo, ja sam gej!
- Ti gej?
- Jest, ja gej!
- Imaš li ti kakvo odjelo od Dalmanija, Dolche Cabana i to?
- Nemam!
- Nemaš!
- Reci mi ideš li na godišnji na Havaje?
- Ne idem!
- Ne ideš!
- A igraš li golf s ovim šminkerima i to?
- Ne igram ... što?
- Vozaš li Ferarija po Monte Carlu?
- Ne vozam .... što?
- E nisi ti Haso gej ... ti si, bolan, obièna pederèina!
Mujo VS Ronaldinho
Igrala BiH protiv Brazila. Mujo glavni igrac BiH, a Ronaldinho Brazila.
U toku utakmice Mujo skrši Ronaldinha pred šesnaestercom i sudac svira faul. Golman Hasagiæ postavi živi zid i svi okrenuti prema Ronaldinhu samo Mujo prema Hasagiæu.
Pita ga Hasagiæ:
- Mujo što si se prema meni okren'o?
- Ma ne bi ovaj gol propustio ni za milion maraka!
Mujo na aerodromu (stari ali dobar)
Èetiri dana nakon 11.rujna, iz ruševina WTC-a izlazi Mujo, stresa prašinu sa sebe pa kaže:
- Jebo vas ´vaki aerodrom, da vas jebo!
Japanska tradicija
Prièa Haso s jednim Japancem kad Japanac æe njemu:
- Haso ajde da ti pokažem nešto tradicionalno iz Japana.
- Ajde može, Haso æe njemu, a Japanac uhvati Hasu i prebije ga te ovaj završi u bolnici.
Oporavi se Haso od frke pa upita Japanca:
- Nego èovjeèe šta to bi?, a Japanac æe njemu:
- To ti je bila tradicionalna japanska jiu-jitsa.
I tako nakon par dana doðe Japanac ponovo kod Hase i upita ga hoæe li da mu pokaže još nešto iz Japana.
- Ma može, kaže njemu Haso, a Japanac ga opet isprebija.
Oporavi se Haso i od toga pa ga upita:
- Pa šta sad to bi?
- To ti je bio kung-fu, a Haso æe:
- Ajde da ja tebi pokažem nešto tradicionalno japansko!
- Ajde Haso, boga ti, da vidim šta ti meni japansko možeš pokazat.
Kad budi se Japanac iz kome nakon mjesec dana i sav u èudu pita Hasu:
- Haso pa šta to bi?
- E vidiš, to ti je bila poluosovina od Toyote.
Kako dobiti slobodne dane na poslu - TAKO SE TO RADI !!
From: Goran
Dvoje zaposlenih u firmi razgovaraju i muškarac kaže:
- Mislim da bih se mogao malo odmoriti od posla.
- A kako misliš to izvesti? pita ga plavuša.
- Evo kako, reče on i pope se na ormar. Zatim se zakvači nogama za vrh
i objesi naglavačke. Malo kasnije ulazi šef, vidi ovoga kako visi i pita
ga:
- Što, za ime Boga, tu radiš?
- Ja sam žarulja, odgovori ovaj.
- A ja mislim da bi bolje bilo da uzmeš nekoliko dana slobodno, reče mu
šef.
Tip se otkvači sa ormara i izađe iz kancelarije. Plavuša krenu za njim
prema
vratima.
- A gdje ćeš ti? upita šef plavušu.
- Kući. Ne mogu raditi u mraku.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Friday, December 07, 2007
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Vic br. 231
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: djukanovic
Piše sestra pismo bratu u vojci: "Dobro smo, bili smo tajo i ja na vašaru u Kotraži. Naišli neki mangupi, taja izudaraše, a mene jebaše"
Drugo pismo: "Dobro smo, bili smo na vašaru u Požegi. Naišli neke mangupi, taja izudaraše, a mene jebaše."
Treće pismo: "Približava se vašar u Ivanjici. Ja bih rado išla, al' se tajo nešto nećka...."
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Rodeo poza
Rodeo poza
1. Kazes zeni da se spusti na sve cetiri.
2. Udjes u nju otpozadi i cvrsto je uhvatis za kosu.
3. Kazes joj da je ta poza tvojoj sekretarici najmilija.
4. A onda probas da ostanes na njoj duze od tri sekunde.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Sunday, December 02, 2007
vic o Fati
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: djukanovic
Zali se Mujo Sulji:
- Ona moja Fata je drolja!
- Otkud ti to?
- Zamisli, bolan... vracam se s puta i saljem joj telegram da cu
doci,a ona kod kuce sa svalerom!
Posle krace pauze, opet Mujo onako sam za sebe:
- A mozda i nije drolja... mozda nije dobila telegram...
Saturday, December 01, 2007
matematika II
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: djukanovic
*ZA MATEMATIČARE*
Malo gimnastike za mozak: ** *
*Mama je 21 godinu starija od ćerke. *
*Za 6 godina će mama biti 5x starija od ćerke. *
*Gde je otac? ** *
*(S malo matematike stiže se do odgovora.) *
*Ako ti je dosta, odgovor je ispod! *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
*REŠENJE:*
* *
* ćerka je danas stara X godina *
* mama je danas stara Y godina *
* X+21=Y*
*nakon 6 godina: 5(X+6)=Y+6 *
*------------------------------------------------- *
*5X+30** = X+21+6*
*4X = -3*
*X = -3/4*
* *
*Ćerka danas ima (-3/4) godine, što je (-9) meseci, *
* *
*to znači, da je tata upravo na mami ! *
Friday, November 30, 2007
vic - federer i nadal u hasinom dvoristu
From: Aleksandar
>
> Prolazi Mujo pored Hasine kuce i vidi u Hasinom vrtu kako Federer i
> Nadal igraju tenis?!
>
> Pobogu Haso, veli Mujo, pa sta ovi slavni tenisaci rade u tvom vrtu?
>
> Veli Haso: Pusti, bolan, Mujo, naso sam neku zlatnu ribicu koja
> ispunjava zelje!
>
> Na to se Mujo sav pomami: Zlatnu ribicu, kazes? Gdje je, gdje je??
>
> Veli Haso: Eno je tamo, bolan u kuvinji u casi, samo pazi, malo je
> nagluva!
> Otrci Mujo kod zlatne ribice i pocne se derati u casu: ZLATNA RIBICE,
> ZLATNA RIBICE, ZELIM STO MILJUNA KUNA, STO MILJUNA KUUNAAA!
>
> I ode Mujo doma, a kad tamo nadje umjesto sto miljuna kuna, sto
> miljuna sapuna!
> Sav ljutit vrati se Hasi i veli mu: Pa pobogu Haso, ova tvoja zlatna
> ribica nista ne valja! Ja zelio sto miljuna kuna a kad tamo dobio sto
> miljuna sapuna!!!
> A odgovori njemu Haso: A sta ti, bolan mislis, da sam ja htio
> vrhunski TENIS??!!
>
Thursday, November 29, 2007
KAFA PO KAFA
From: Zoran
KAFA PO KAFA
Dosao Lala kod Doktora:
--Doktore, pomagaj, juce se vracam iz njive, a moja Sosa sa Pajom na
gomili usred nase avlije. Ja pobesnim, uzmem pistolj da ubijem Sosu, a
ona zakuka:
--Ne, Lalo, naopako, tebe ce u zatvor, mene u grob, a Paja ce naci
drugu svalerku. Nego da vam ja lepo skuvam kaficu, lepo prodivanite,
pomirite se i sve ce se srediti.
Ja tako i uradim, popijemo kaficu, pomorimo se, a oni obeceadu da vise
to nece raditi.
Doktor se smeje:
--Dobro Lalo, sve je znaci u redu.
--Nikako, doktore -- samo sto ne zaplace Lala, -- juce se opet vracam,
a moja Sosa opet s onim istim Pajom na gomili. Ja poludim, dovatim
pistolj da ubijem Paju, a Sosa opet Zakuka:
--Ne Lalo, naopako. Paja ce u grob, ti u zatvor, sa kim cu se ja
voleti, nego da vam skuvam kaficu, prodivanite, pomirite se i bice sve
u redu.
Popijemo mi kaficu, pomirimo se, a oni obedacu da to vise nece raditi.
Doktor ga gleda upitno i kaze:
--Sada je valjda sve u redu?
--NIje Doktore -- zakuka Lala, -- danaske se vracma sa
pijace a oni opet na gomili. Izvadim je pistolj,
milsim, glupo je da ubijem Paju, glupo je da ubijem
Sosu, daklem, sebe cu ubiti. Prislonim pistolj na celo
a Sosa zakuka:
--Ne, crni Lalo, zar tako mlad u grob, nego da vam
skuvam kaficu . . .
Doktor sad vec izneviran, prekide ga:
--Ama, covece, kad je to vec takva kurvestija, idi kod
advokata, pisi tuzbu za razvod, zasto si dosao kod meme?
Lala ga gleda zaprepasceno:
--Ta doktore, dos'o sam da te pitam, hoce li mi tol'ke kafe skoditi?
Lova do krova...
From: Goran
prekrasan dan za svinjokolju :)))
| e pomnite
Po velikosti drugi od malih, 20 dinarjev v barvi norcev iz leta 1978. Barèica po morju plava, in je odplavala v veèna lovi èa.
| |||
|
