Get Perpendicular

Video prezentacija rada Zvonimira Bandica koji je osvojio prvu nagradu na kongresu, jednog od najboljih studenata elektrotehnike beogradskog univerziteta.

http://image.mrs.org/video/Get_Perpendicular_Replay.swf

Jezici

-----Original Message-----
From: ksenija

Tanga na 5 jezika:



česi: Spagičku na prdičku.
Srbi: Uzice preko guzice.
Makedonci: Kanapče na šupče.
Hrvati: Vrpca preko smrdca.
Crnogorci: Sirota u oca, ni za gaće nema novca.

Kako roditelji osijede.....

-----Original Message-----
From: Hrvoje

Prolazeći pored sobe svog sina, otac je bio zapanjen vidjevši krevet lijepo poravnan i sve uredno i pospremljeno.
Tada je vidio omotnicu na jastuku. Na njoj je pisalo Tata.
Sa najgorim slutnjama, otvorio je omotnicu i počeo čitati pismo držeći ga drhtavim rukama:

Dragi tata,
Pišem ti s velikom žalosti i tugom.
Morao sam pobjeći sa mojom novom curom jer sam htio izbjeći scenu s tobom i mamom.
U Jani sam našao pravu strast i ona je tako lijepa.... Znam da ju ti ne bi prihvatio zbog svih njenih piercinga, tetovaža i njene uske motorističke odjeće kao i zbog toga što je ona toliko starija od mene, ali to nije samo ljubavna strast.
Tata, ona je trudna. Jana kaže da ćemo biti jako sretni.
Ona ima kamp-kućicu u šumi i hrpu drva za loženje što će nam biti dovoljno za cijelu zimu.
Želimo imati još puno djece.
Jana mi je otvorila oči činjenicom da marihuana stvarno ne šteti nikome.
Uzgajati ćemo je i razmijenjivati sa drugim ljudima u Komuni za kokain i ekstazy.
U međuvremenu, moliti ćemo se da će znanost ipak uskoro naći lijek za AIDS da Jani bude bolje; ona to zasigurno zaslužuje.
Ne brini, tata, meni je sad 15 godina i znam se brinuti o sebi.
Siguran sam da ćemo vam kad-tad doći u posjetu da vidite svoju unučad.

Tvoj sin Tvrtko

P.S. Tata, ništa od toga nije istinito. Ja sam preko puta kod Tomice doma.
Htio sam te samo podsjetiti da u životu ima puno gorih stvari od one školske svjedodžbe na mom pisaćem stolu.
Volim te!
Nazovi kad bude sigurno da se mogu vratiti doma.

Pijana veverica

Smesno

Porno filmovi

Whatch out when you do Ctrl-Alt-Del next time

http://www.smh.com.au/news/technology/how-to-ctrl-alt-delete-48-billion/2007/03/22/1174153207365.html

Nudizam

Prvi Sex

~ Dvorci i letnjikovci Vojvodine / The castles and summer residences of Vojvodina ~

---

From: Tatjana

Stiglo prolece a ne znate kuda biste posli na izlet? Mozda vas neki od ovih dvoraca inspirisu!

http://www.dvorci.info/

Spring’s here and you don’t know where to go? Maybe one of these castles inspires you!

T

Vic

 

---

From: Uros

Zeni ljubavnik dolazi kuci dok joj je muz na poslu. Njen devetogodisnji sin dodje kuci izne nada , ugleda ih isakrije se u garderobni ormar kako bi ih i dalje posmatrao.
Zenin muz takodje dolazi kuci. Ona trpa ljubavnika u ormar, ne znajuci da joj je sin vec unutra.

Decak: - Mracno je ovde.
Muskarac: - Da, mracno je.
Decak: - Imam fudbalsku loptu.
Muskarac: - To je lepo.
Decak: - Zelis da je kupis?
Muska rac: - Ne, hvala.
Decak: - Moj tata je napolju.
Muskarac: - OK, koliko?
Decak: - 250 EUR

Nakon nekoliko nedelja muskarac i decak se ponovo sretnu u ormaru.

Decak: - Mracno je ovde.
Muskarac: - Da, mracno je.
Decak: - Imam patike za fudbal.
Muskarac -Koliko?
Decak: - 750 EUR
Muskarac: - U redu.

Par dana kasnije, otac kaze sinu:Uzmi loptu i patike za fudbal, idemo da se igramo.

Decak : - Ne mogu, prodao sam loptu i patike
Otac : -Za koliko si ih prodao?
Decak: - Za 1.000 EUR
Otac: - To je grozno, kako si mogao tako da opeljesis svoje prijatelje... to je mnogo vise nego sto te dve stvari stvarno vrede!Sad te vodim u crkvu da se ispovedis!!!

Otac odvede sina u crkvu, zajedno udju u ispovedaonicu, i otac zatvori vrata.

Decak: - Mracno je ovde.
Pop: - Ne pocinji mi opet s tim sranjem

Watch "HIV POZITIVE , PRISHTINA, KOSOVA" on Google Video

HIV POZITIVE , PRISHTINA, KOSOVA

1 min 43 sec - Mar 21, 2007
Average rating: (149 ratings)
Description: aa VERY FUNNYY

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Go to video.google.com/

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Add it at video.google.com/videouploadform

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Najnoviji drzac u Iranu

Novi Fica

zadacnica

 

---

From: Tomislav 
 

*Napomena posiljaoca pre nego pocnete da citate ovaj pismeni zadatak
Vladimira Seve (pisan 12.10.1997.) - teme na pismenom su bile:

- "Kostana"
- "Svetlosti nesta, prestadoh da citam i tuga me obli: opet zivim"
Seva je izabrao ovu drugu...

Gledam, al' oci su mi sklopljene.
Osecam miris sveze lakiranog drveta.Pomislih kako je moj mrtvacki sanduk prilicno dobar za pare koje sam dao. Da, konacno sam umro.
Slusam popa koji narice i decu koja se deru: "Kuku! Strikooo!" Odlucih da se malo prosetam, da vidim je l' mi baba Bosa dosla na sahranu. Zacudio sam se kad sam shvatio koliko se lako krecem. Moram priznati da sam zadovoljan. Sahrana je prilicno dobro uradjena. Mile, prvi gucevacki trubac sa svojim bleh orkestrom dobro je obavljao posao. Svinja se okretala na raznju, dok se moj pijani zet valjao u blatu. Baba Stana je sa dedom Milojicom zamisljeno gledala u moj grob i uzdisala.
Poceh da vicem: "Sta kukas stara, nije Omoljica mrtav, opet zivim", ali se setih da ne moze da me cuje. Pogledah jos jednom moje sirote unucice i pomislih: "E deco, deco, ko je vas poznavao ni pakao mu nece tesko
pasti."
Osetih u tom trenutku kako me nesto vuce na gore: "E pa dodje vreme
da se rastajemo". Putovao sam, mogu vam reci, dobrih pet sati. Na
vratima raja stajao je Sveti Petar. "Zdravo Petre, pa dodje vreme da se i mi
ispricamo". Petar me je mrko gledao, ali konacno prozbori: "Ne pise ti
se dobro, Omoljice, puno si gresio. Bog te ceka." Priznajem, malo sam se uplasio, jer ovo mi je, znate, bio prvi susret sa Bogom, a to nije mala stvar. cutim ja, cuti on. I tako cutimo mi jedno pola sata i konacno se odvazih pa rekoh: "Dobar dan, Boze!". Opet cutimo, a mene vec pocele i noge da izdaju. Znate, ne umire covek svaki dan. Konacno Bog popravi kravatu, promeckolji se malo na svom oblaku i rece: "Kazi Omoljice." Ovaj govor sam prilicno dugo spremao pa sam resio da mu kazem sve od prve do zadnje rec: "O Boze, vladaru carstva nebeskog, Ti koji nebom hodas, Tvorcu mog psa Marka, sinova Mirka i Zuje, baba Bose i deda Radovana, mog kuma Spasoja i izvinjavam se ako sam nekoga u svoj brzopletosti zaboravio da spomenem..."
Tu stadoh i primetih da se zbunio. Zamislite - Bog tako veliki, ja tako
mali, pa se zbunio preda mnom. Medjutim nasao je nekako prave reci,
pa rece: - Jesi li ti Omoljice procitao "Kostanu"?
- Nisam - velim ja.
- A jesi li, Omoljice, primetio da svetlosti nesta?
- Nisam - opet cu ja zbunjeno.
- Da li te tuga obli, Omoljice?
- Ne Gospode - rekoh - a zasto?
- Zato sto je to, Omoljice, tema ovog pismenog zadatka, i bojim se
da si promasio temu.
 
Bog je mocan - pomislih u sebi...
**Dobio je 5!!!

__,_._,___

Pazite s kim sedate u taksi...

…ukoliko ste u Dubaiju!

http://www.gulfnews.com/nation/Police_and_The_Courts/10114240.html

Ovce i baba

-----Original Message-----
From: Goran

Saznaju novinari kako jedna baba na nekoj planini ima mnogo ovaca i sama ih čuva.Jedan od njih je nekako pronađe, sjedi baba na stolici i prede, a ispred nje po livadi pase mnoštvo ovaca.
- Bako, koliko imaš ovaca ?
- Kojih, crnih ili bijelih, - pita baba.
- Pa, naprimjer bijelih?
- Hiljadu.
- A crnih ?
- Isto, - mrzovoljno će baba.
- A koliko jedna ovca daje vune ?
- Koja, crna ili bijela ?
- Pa, naprimer, bijela ?
- Dvije kile godišnje.
- A crna ?
- Isto.
- A koliko se mesa dobije od jedne ovce ?
- Koje, crne ili bijele ?
- Naprimer, crne ?
- Dva'es pet kila.
- A od bijele ?
- Isto.
Novinar već iznerviran, puk'o mu film, pa vikne na babu:
- Pa, dobro baba, kakva je razlika između crnih i bijelih, kad me stalno pitaš : crne ili bijele, a na kraju sve isto !?
- Eeee, crne su moje !!!
- A bijele ?
- Isto.

--

Najneodoljiviji video ikada

http://www.b92.net/kultura/index.php?view=2&did=24435

http://www.isfat.com/happyjunk/kiwi.php

vic

 

---

From: Uros

Učiteljica pita decu:
. Sta znači reč OČIGLEDNO?
Javlja se mali Marko:
. Pa, drugarice učiteljice, evo ovako... Moj tata vozi MERCEDES, mama vozi
OPEL KADET, a baka vozi DzIP - OČIGLEDNO - mi imamo para!
Učiteljica:
. Bravo, Marko, odlično si ovo objasnio! Da vidimo dalje, ko se javlja?
Perica! 'Ajde, Perice, objasni nam ti, sta znaci reč OČIGLEDNO?
Perica:
. Moja baka svako jutro ide na livadu. Ispod leve ruke nosi ALGEMAJNE
CAJTUNG, a ispod desne VASINGTON POST.
Uciteljica (zbunjeno):
. I onda, Perice?
Perica:
. Pa, nista. Baba ne zna nemački, a nema pojma ni engleski - OČIGLEDNO ide
da sere!

 

Biznismen u Beogradu

 

---

From: Uros

Biznismen u Beogradu
 
 
Biznismen iz unutrasnjosti dodje poslom u Beograd , sretne zgodnu ribu i
ugovore da provedu noc zajedno za 200 evra. Sutradan na rastanku kaze joj
da nema kesha kod sebe da joj da ali da ce odmah po povratku narediti
svojoj sekretarici da napise cek i da joj posalje postom. Razlog isplate
na ceku glasice: "kirija za stan".
 
Medjutim, po povrtaku, on se pokaje za ono sto joj je obecao, procenjujuci
da je "dozivljaj" preplacen i naredi sekretarici da posalje cek na samo
100 evra uz propratno objasnjenje:
 
Postovana gospodjo,
 
U prilogu dostavljam vam cek na 100 evra za kiriju. Kao sto vidite, ne
saljem vam ugovorenu sumu jer kad smo se pogadjali naveli ste me da
poverujem:
 
1) da stan dotle nije bio koriscen;
2) da je dobro ugrejan
3) da je mali i tesan i da bih se u njemu prijatno osecao.
 
Medjutim, pri upotrebi, ustanovio sam da je on i ranije koriscen, da
grejanje nije funkcionisalo, i da je uopste prevelik.
 
Procitavsi ovo riba mu odmah spakuje i vrati cek sa objasnjenjem:
 

Pre svega, ne razumem kako ste mogli da ocekujete da se tako predivan stan
pre vas nije davao na koriscenje. Sto se pak grejanja tice, toplote bi
bilo i previse da ste samo znali kako da je ukljucite. A sto se prostora
tice, stan je standardne velicine, ali ne krivite mene ako nemate dovoljno
namestaja da ga napunite.
 
Prema tome, molim vas da mi lepo dostavite ugovorenu sumu inace bicu
prinudjena da se obratim vasoj trenutoj gazdarici.

Provalnik

3 Minute Management course

 

---

From: Dragutin

 

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story : If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure


Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her
way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity


Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say


Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up


Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating
some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: BullS*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there


Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This ends the 3-minute management course.
 

brazilian

 

---

From: Uros

http://www.minimalsworld.net/BrazilName/brazilian.shtml

Posebnu paznju obratiti na edukaciju omladine...

Omladina u Zagrebu...

Get the glass

http://www.gettheglass.com/index2.html

arabian online date-service

zavele me njene oci...

Turkish Star Wars - final scene

Valter brani Sarajevo...

ali na kineskom...

Will Farrell - global warming

Suzuki zna sve

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Olja

Dobar stari vic,  kao podgrejana sarma.
 


Prvi skolski dan u jednoj Americkoj skoli.
Uciteljica predstavlja novog ucenika Tekara Suzukija iz Japana.

Pocinje cas i ona ispituje:''Sada cemo videti koliko poznajete Americku
istoriju. Ko je rekao ''Sloboda ili smrt'' ?. 
Odjednom tisina i samo Suzuki digne ruku:''Patrik Henri godine 1775 u

Filadelfiji.''
''Vrlo dobro Suzuki. A ko je rekao :''Drzava je narod i kao takva ne 
sme
nikada umreti''? 
Suzuki ustane:''Abraham Linkoln,1863 u Vasingtonu''

Nastavnica strogo pogleda ucenike pa rece:''Stidite se! Suzuki je
Japanac, a poznaje Americku istoriju bolje od vas''.
Tihi glas sa kraja razreda:''Jebite se posrani Japanci'' 
 ''Ko je to rekao?'', vikne uciteljica.
Suzuki digne ruku i rece:''General MakArtur,1942 u Gvadal kanalu i Li
Okoca na skupstini akcionara Krajslera, Detroit''
Razred je u tisini samo se iz pozadine cuje:''Pusi k...!'' 

Uciteljica sva
 izvan sebe:''Sad je kraj. Ko je to bio?''
Suzuki: ''Bil Klinton,Moniki Levinski,ovalna kancelarija,1997 u
Vasingtonu''
Drugi ucenik se prodere:' 'Suzuki je sranje''. 

Suzuki:''Motorciklista Valentino Rosi na moto Grand Priju 2002''.

 

Razred pada u histeriju, uciteljica u nesvest, a na vrata ulazi 
direktor
skole:''U pizdu materinu, jos nikad nisam video takav haos''. 

Suzuki: ''Premijer Srbije, ministru finansija, prilikom predstavljanja
drzavnog budzeta,Beograd, 2003.''

---

Mission Imposible

 

---

From: Dragutin

 

 

Mission Imposible - usreciti zenu

 - Ako naporno radis, nikad "nemas vremena za nju".

 - Ako nista ne radis, onda si "bezvredna lencuga".

- Ako ona ima dosadan posao i malu platu,onda je to"iskoriscavanje".

 - Ako ti imas dosadan posao i malu platu onda "bi trebao da mrdnes dupe

 i potrazis bolji".

- Ako dobijes unapredjenje pre nje, onda je to "favorizovanje

 muskaraca".

- Ako ona dobije unapredjenje pre tebe, onda ste imali "podjednaku

 sansu".

- Ako kazes da lepo izgleda, onda je to "sexualno uznemiravanje".

- Ako nista ne kazes, onda je to "muska ravnodusnost".

- Ako places, onda si "slabic".

- Ako ne places, onda si "neosetljivo kopile".

- Ako je udaris, to je "zlostavljanje zene".

- Ako ona udari tebe, to je "samoodbrana".

- Ako nesto odlucis bez nje, onda si  "sovinista".

- Ako ona nesto odluci bez tebe, onda je ona "slobodna zena".

- Ako je zamolis da uradi nesto sto joj se ne  svidja, onda je to "muska

dominacija".

- Ako ona zamoli tebe, to je "usluga".

- Ako ti se svidja zensko sexi donje rublje, onda si "perverznjak".

- Ako ti se ne svidja, onda si "peder".

- Ako volis da zena brije noge i da se odrzava u formi, onda si

 "sexista".

- Ako ne volis, onda "nisi romantican".

- Ako se ti trudis da ostanes u formi, onda si  "sujetan".

- Ako ne, onda si "prostak".

- Ako joj kupis cvece, onda "trazis nesto".

- Ako joj ne kupis cvece, onda si "neobziran".

- Ako si ponosan na ono sto si postigao, onda si "narcisoidan".

- Ako nisi, onda si "neambiciozan".

- Ako ona ima glavobolju, onda je "umorna".

- Ako ti imas glavobolju, onda je "vise ne  volis".

- Ako cesto trazis sex, onda si "prepotentan".

- Ako ne, onda "mora da postoji neka druga".

Crnogorsko radno vreme - NASTAVAK

 

---

From: Nikola

Beogradsko Radno vreme - nekada u prosveti

 

09:00 Telefon zvoni, studenti su ispred vrata katedre za Elektroniku i zovu da im otvorim  vrata da koriste internet.

10:00 Dolazim na posao i kuvam tri kafe - za mene

11:00 Vrisak odusevljenja is susedne katedre, 11:00 je sati (Sef je zabranio alkohol na katedri pre 11)

12:00 Posle 7 jutarnjih kafa, vreme je za zdravu hranu, kao najmladji na katedri - odlazim po burek.

14:00 Odbrana Diplomskog - Muzika, prijatelji, rodbina Cestitke, rakija domaca.

17:00 Simpozijum penzinera, i kako je to nekada bilo.

19:00 Rad na velikom projektu, i kako napraviti Accelerator od 3 eksera i kilogram kanapa.

21:00 Kompajliranje Windowsa na poslednjoj verziji Linuxa-a, sa srafcigerom u jednoj ruci.

22:00 Nestaje struje

22:30 Rakija

23:00 Ubedjen u genijalnost pronalaska, i suvisnost dokumentovanja, jer sve je u glavi, napusta posao.

 

 

 

Irsko radno vreme:

 

09:30 Dolazak na posao

11.30 Budjenje

13.00 Rucak

14.30 Otvaranje ociju

15.30 Informal discussions

17.30 Meeting starts

21.00 Major work is starting

22.30 Major works ongoing

23.00 Stressed, goes to pub

 

 

Swedsko radno vreme:

 

07:30 Dolazak na posao

08:35 Fikaaaaaaaaa (Kafa i kolaci)

10:00 Meeting - Lessons Learned

11:00 Meeting - Lessons Learned about Lessons Learned 

11.15 Lunch

14.30 Fikaaaaaaaaaaa (kafa i kolaci)

16:00 Prekida se Fikaaaa u pola recenice i ide se kuci

 

 

 

Crnogorsko radno vrijeme

Letter To The Bank Manager

______________________________________________
From:   Dragutin

Letter To The Bank Manager

Below is an actual letter sent to a UK Bank. The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Guardian (National British Newspaper).

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2007, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service:

Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the authorized contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put you on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for."

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of £20 per page. Inquiries from the authorized contact will be billed at £5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75p a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year!

Your Humble Client,

(Name Withheld)

Offend Everyone

 

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From: Dragutin

 

OFFEND EVERYONE! What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe". What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.... Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

VODIC KROZ SRPSKI POSLOVNI RECNIK

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From: Uros

Znam da je bilo milion puta ali je mnogo jako :)))))

VODIČ KROZ SRPSKI POSLOVNI REČNIK

U svetu se kaže: «Dragi kolega , dugo se nismo videli»

U Srbiji se kaže: «De si pička ti materina!»

U svetu se kaže: «Gospodin je veoma obrazovan».

U Srbiji se kaže « On je peder!»

U svetu se kaže:» Izvini, ali malo same te duže čekao.»

U Srbiji se kaže « Gde si jebo te!»

U svetu se kaže: «Mislim da niste dobro sagledali sve aspekte ugovora.»

U Srbiji se kaže: «Jebem te ćorava.»

U svetu se kaže: «Mora da se šalite.»

U Srbiji se kaže: «Sereš!»

U svetu se kaže: «Prijatno!»

U Srbiji se kaže :»Diši malo!»

U svetu se kaže: «Vaša sekretarica je vrlo simpatična.»

U Srbiji se kaže:» Jel jebeš ti to?»

U svetu se kaže: «Koju funkciju Gospodin ima u firmi?»

U Srbiji se kaže:» Koji je on kurac?»

U svetu se kaže: «Trenutno nismo zainteresovani za reklamu.»

U Srbiji se kaže:»Koji će mi kurac reklama?»

U svetu se kaže : «Smatram da njegovo mišljenje ne treba uvažiti.»

U Srbiji se kaže: «Ko ga jebe!»

U svetu se kaže : «Ovaj projekat je lako ostvarljiv.»

U Srbiji se kaže: «To je pičkin dim.»

U svetu se kaže: «Nismo u mogućnosti da Vam damo robu na odloženo plaćanje.»

U Srbiji se kaže:» Dam ti kurac na odloženo.»

U svetu se kaže: «Taj zakon ne treba uvažavati.»

U Srbiji se kaže: «Jebo zakon!»

U svetu se kaže: «On nemma mnogo uticaja.»

U Srbiji se kaže:»Može da mi popuši!»

U svetu se kaže «Hvala!»

U Srbiji se kaže:» (u Srbiji taj izraz ne postoji u rečniku).»

U svetu se kaže» «Izvinite!»

U Srbiji sse kaže: «Jebi ga!»

U svetu se kaže: «Neću.»

U Srbiji se kaže: «Hoću kurac!»

U svetu se kaže: «Zašto odbijaš dalju saradnju?»

U Srbiji se kaže:»Koji ti je kurac?»

U svetu se kaže:»Ne bih se složio sa Vama.»

U Srbiji se kaže: «Jebo ti tu priču.»

:)

______________________________________________
From:   Tomislav

http://www.webtv.si/video/index/id/1360

Danas postavljeni plakat na Vukovarskoj

Jutarnji Haiku

 

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From: Ninoslav

 

 

 Jutarnji haiku




      One day, I looked up in the sky.
      A bird came by and shit into my eye.
      I didn't laugh. I didn't cry.
      I was just happy, that cows can't fly.

Kako napraviti pravu facu kad nesto sjebes

pravi

 

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From: Uros

Prolazi covek grobljem i vidi ogroman kamen na jednom grobu, prilazi da vidi zasto tu stoji, vide tekst urezan iznad, koji glasi:
"Brate Srbine, ako si pravi brat i drug pomozi, pomeri kamen ovaj sto mi na dusi stoji i olaksaj mi muke"...
Covek krece da pomera, gura, vuce, i posle poduzeg mucenja uspe da pomeri kamen... tek odjednom ugleda natpis koji stoji na mestu kamena:
"Brate Srbine, ako si brat i drug, vrati ovaj teski kamen nazad da zajebemo jos nekoga"... 

 

***************************************************************************************

 

Ni krst, ni petokraka, ni mesec i zvezda,... Kojoj li je religiji ovaj pokojnik pripadao?

japanski test inteligencije

 

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From: Krunoslav

 

http://freeweb.siol.net/danej/riverIQGame.swf

 

Pravila su slijedeća:

 

1. Splav mogu voziti samo otac, majka i policajac.
2. Majka nesmije ostati sama sa sinovima bez oca
3. Otac nesmije ostati sam sa kćerima bez majke
4. Lopov nesmije ostati sa ostalima bez policajca
5. Na splavi mogu biti samo dvojica
6. Svi moraju preći na drugu stranu

 

Uživajte!

 

plavuse

 

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From: Dragutin

Otišla plavuša u seks-šop da kupi vibrator. Uđe unutra i kaže:

• Dobar dan.

• Dobar dan. Kako mogu da vam pomognem? - upita prodavac.

• Pa, znate, ovaj, ja bih htela vibratore da pogledam.

• Samo izvolite, poređani su na zidu.

• Znate, ja bih htela onaj crveni - kaže plavuša.

• Gospođo, od vatrogasnog aparata pa nadesno - odgovori joj prodavac.
• __________________________________________________________________

 

Kako tri plavuše dele tronožac?
Okrenu ga naopačke.

__________________________________________________________________
Pita drugarica plavušu:

• Kad si rođena?

• 1. maja!

• A koje godine?

• Pa svake - odgovori plavuša.

____________________________________________________________

Plavuša i crnka vide helikopter kako lebdi u vazduhu. Kaže crnka:

• Vidi, helikopter stoji u vazduhu!

Plavuša joj odgovori

• Možda mu je nestalo goriva.

____________________________________________________________

 

Zašto se plavuša gleda u ogledalu dok priča telefonom?
Da bi videla s kim priča.

___________________________________________________________-

Spavala plavuša sa nekim tipom, pa ga posle seksa pita:

• Jesi li koristio kondom?

• Nisam - odgovori tip.

• A je l' imaš sidu?

• Nemam!

• Uh, dobro je, da je ne dobijem opet!

___________________________________________________

Šta je plavuši bezbedan seks?
Da zatvori vrata automobila!

____________________________________________________

Pitaju plavušu zašto ne slavi 8. mart, a ona odgovori:

• Pa otkud znam kad je to.

_______________________________________________

Zašto plavuše ne koriste vibratore?
Razbiju im zube!
_______________________________________________

Šta je crnka pored plavuše?
Prevodilac.
_________________________________________________

Pita jedna plavuša:

• Šta je dalje, Mesec ili London?

A druga odgovori:

• E, jesi glupa, pa London ne vidiš odavde.

_____________________________________________________________

Uhvatila plavuša zlatnu ribicu. Ribica joj obeća:

• Ako me pustiš, ispuniću ti tri želje.

A plavuša upita:

• A koje?

_____________________________________________________________

Zašto se plavuša vraća tužna iz Londona?
Saznala je da je Big Ben samo sat!