Plavusa i naucnik - vic

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Olja

Opklada
Vozi se plavuša sa nekim naučnikom avionom. Posto je let
potrajao,naučnik joj predlozi:
-'Ajde da se malo poigramo!
- Kako?-pita plavuša.
- Ja tebi postavim pitanje ,i ako ne znaš odgovor, ti meni daš 50
evra,a ako ja ne znam odgovor na tvoje pitanje,ja tebi dam 1000 evra!
- Vazi-kaze plavuša.
Pita naucnik plavišu:
- Koliko točkova ima auto?
Plavuša nije znala odgovor i izvadi 50 evra i da naučniku.
Onda ona pita njega:
- Šta je to malo zeleno,ide niz stepenica na tri noge,a penje se sa
četiri noge i ima uši kao satelitske antene?
Naučnik počne da se znoji,proverava po internetu,okrene telefonom neke
svoje kolege, niko ne zna šta je to i na kraju,posle dva sata,prizna
da ne zna odgovor i da plavusi 1000 evra,
Ona uzme pare, a naucnik je pita:
-'Ajde sad mi kaži odgovor!
Plavuša se nasmeja:
-Ne znam ni ja, evo ti 50 evra!

Sta se sme a sta ne sme u uzoj i siroj familiji

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From: Srdjan

deep heat

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From: Philip

A man walks into a chemist and hangs around until all other customers are gone. He then approaches the counter nervously and says to the chemist "I have a bit of a problem, but it's kind of embarrassing".
"Don't worry, I've heard virtually everything at this stage" says the chemist.
"Well, y'see, I've got three women coming over to my place tonight and it's absolutely guranteed I'm gonna score with all three".
"Good for you".
"Well, yes and no. Y'see, I've never even been with two women before not to mind THREE and I just don't know whether I'll be able to satisfy them".
"Aaah, I see" says the chemist "well don't you worry, I've got just the thing" and he reaches under the counter and hands the man a box of pills.
"These are super-strength Viagra, 5 times stronger than the normal prescription. I think that'll do the trick"
So the man thanks him, gives him the money and off he goes.

Next day the same man comes into the chemist again looking completely exhausted. He comes up to the counter again and asks for Deep Heat.
"What for ?" asks the chemist.
The man drops his trousers and between his legs dangles a bloody, red raw, skinless remanant of his dick.
The chemist was horrified "Jesus, you're not gonna put Deep Heat on that ??"
"No, it's for my arm - the women never showed up !!"

Sand

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From: Philip

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,

'SUPPLIES!!! !'

Ciga

-----Original Message-----
From: Ninoslav

Pita mali Ciga svoju majku: - Mamo, mamo, ima li nešto slatko?

Majka: - Ima, sladak kupus.

Sta je brze od cigana sa televizorom?

Njegov sin sa DVD-om.

Sreo Ciganin jednog čoveka na stanici i pita ga: - Brate jel imas da mi das 20 dinara?

Ovaj mu odgovori: - Nemam.

A Ciga će njemu: - E, tako i izgledas!

Gde Cigina zena sakriva pare?

Ispod sapuna.

Cigo se razbio s mercedesom, totalka, i hitna ga pokupi i otfuraju u bolnicu.. U bolnici frka, panika, svi se uzmuvali, doktor viče: - Sestro, brzo, instrumente!

A Cigo ce, onako, u polusvesti: - Doktore, pa ne mogu sad da sviram..."

Kako se zove glavni Ciganin u čoporu?

Alfa Romeo.

Trazi mali Ciga od tate da mu kupi belu cokoladu.

- Pa dobro,sine,zasto bas belu? -upita Ciga.

- Hocu, tato, da i ja jednom budem musav!

Mental health Day

 

---

From: Philip

 

*Ralph and* *Edna were both patients in a mental hospital..  One day 

while they* *were walking past the hospital swimming pool*, *Ralph 

suddenly** **jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom* *and 

pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware* *of Edna's 

heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged* *from the 

hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good* *news 

and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged,* *since you 

were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping* *in and saving 

the life of the person you love...  I have concluded* *that your act 

displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his* *bathrobe 

belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..  *

*How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

*

Grandma in court

 

---

From: Biljana

 

 

 

Vicevi!

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From: Biljana

Kaže tata sinu:

* Sine, mani se tog Fejsbuka, pročitao sam u novinama da zaglupljuje!!!

A sin će:

* Šta? omg, jbt, vte, vtp...

Kako terorista iskazuje ljubav prema devojci?

* Hoćeš da ti skinem avion s neba?

Kako narkoman tera kokoške?

* Hašiš, hašiš!

Kako se kaže "ciganska porodica" na nemačkom jeziku?
Die Ganzi Familie.

Otišao haker u mesaru i traži 200 grama salame.
Mesar pita:

* Da narežem?

* Ne, na fleš ću.

Američki biznismen koji boravi u Moskvi vodi svoj dnevnik i ovako zapisuje:
1. dan
Danas sam pio s Rusima - zamalo nisam umro.
2. dan
Danas sam pio sa Srbima - bolje da sam juče umro.

Mujo & Fata on the beach

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Dragana

Mujo i Fata leze na plazi, a Muji doslo...
I kaze on to Fati, a ona ce njemu, - jesi li lud, svi vide.
Pokricemo se peskirom, navalio Mujo.
Ma kakvi, odbija Fata.
A da predjemo na ono ostrvo.
Jesi li bolan lud, ja ne znam da plivam, opet ce Fata.
Ja cu plivati na ledjima, a ti se za njega uhvati.. Vidis li kako mi stoji?
Al' kako cu se vratiti, zavapi Fata!

vitzzzzz

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From: Goran

Tri žene stoje pred vratima raja.

Nakon što jedna stidljivo pokuca otvori sv Petar osobno vrata i upita prvu:
- "Za što si ti koristila svoj ženski organ za tvog zemaljskog života?"
Ona će:
- "80% za sex a 20% za piškiti"
- "Onda uđi, ti si dobrodošla"

Onda se obrati drugoj ženi:
- "Za što si ti koristila svoj ženski organ za tvog zemaljskog života?"
Ona će:
- "50% za sex a 50% za piškiti"
- "Vrlo dobro, ulazi!"

Na koncu upita i treću:
- "a ti?"
- "Sv Petre ja sam moj organ koristila 90% za piškiti a 10% za sex!"
A Sv Petar će na to:
- "Ako je to tako, žao mi je ali onda moraš otići, ja te ovdije ne mogu primiti."
- "..... ali iz kojeg razloga Sv Petre?"

- "Draga moja, ovo ovdje je Raj a ne WC.....!"

failte

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From: Philip

This new guy gets hired on at a utilities store. The owner puts him through a period of training to teach him to be a good salesman. He says, "The best way to be a good salesman is to take a small sale and turn it into a big sale. For example, do you see the guy coming in the door right now, watch this." The owner goes over to the guy and says, "Sir, can I help you with something?" And the guy says, "Yea, I need a garden hose."

"Well, I got just what you need."

The owner goes back into the back room for about five minutes and comes back with a wheelbarrow, a rake, a hoe, a pick, a shovel, and a bag of lawn seed with a garden hose on top. The guy says, "What the hell is all of this stuff for I don't need any of this shít?"

The owner says, "Listen sir, by the time you go over to your neighbours and borrow the rake and the hoe, and you go over to your mother-in-laws and borrow the wheelbarrow, and the rest of this stuff, you might as well buy it here."

The guy says, "You know something, you have a point, I'll buy it."

Then the owner goes over to the new guy and says, "It's your turn to try it on this lady coming in the door."

So, the kid goes up to her and says, "Ma'am, can I help you?" She says, "I need a box of tampons." "I got just what you need," He goes in the back room for about five minutes and comes back with a wheelbarrow, a rake, a hoe, a pick, a shovel, and a box of tampons right on top.

The lady says, "What the fúck is this shít for, I only need a box of tampons."

The new guy says, "Listen lady, you ain't going to be fúcking for a week, so you might as well do some work around the yard."

Plavuša

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From: Goran


Jednog dana dolazi Jenny iz skole kuci i vice s vrata:

"Mama, mama! Danas smo ucili brojiti i sva djeca su znala brojiti samo
do pet, a ja sam znala do 10! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!
Vidis...!?"

"Odlicno," rece na to majka.

"Je li to zato sto sam plavusa, mama?"

"Da, to je zato sto si plavusa"

Iduceg dana, dotrci Jenny opet iz skole sva sretna i povice s vrata:

"Mama, mama! Danas smo ucili slova i sva djeca su znala samo do
slova D, a ja sam znala do G! A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Vidis...!?"

"Odlicno," re襠opet majka. "Je li to zato sto sam plavusa, mama?"

"Da, to je zato sto si plavusa, Jenny."

Dan iza toga, eto opet Jenny iz skole kuci: "Mama, mama! Danas
smo imali gimnastiku i na tusiranju sam vidjela da sve cure imaju
ravna prsa, a ja imam ovo!," povice ona, podigne majicu i pokaze
solidnu cetvorku.

"Odlicno," rece majka pomalo u neugodnosti. "Je li to zato sto
sam plavusa, mama?"

"Ne, duso, to je zato sto ti je 24 .

misao dana

misao dana: Bezalkoholno pivo je kao pornic na radiju...

Border control

Serbian tourist arrives at the Croatian border। Immigration officer asks: "Occupation"?

The Serb: "No, no, just visit"

redundancija

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From: Goran

Jel dozvoljen seks?

-----Original Message-----
From: Snjezana

Umro drug Tito. I bi proglasena desetodnevna zalost. Zove clan Partije telefonom Centralni komitet da pita je li dozvoljen seks u danima zalosti?!
Komitetlija odgovara:
- Jeste dozvoljen, ali samo sa svojom zenom!
- Zasto samo sa SVOJOM zenom?
- Da tuga bude veca!!!

Kronologija životnih ciljeva

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From: Biljana

Posao u skupstini - vic

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From: Dragutin






Skupstinskog poslanika zove kum iz zavicaja da pita ima li posla za
njegovog malog tu u BG-u?!

- 'De si kume, šta ima?
- Evo ništa kume, zivi se, radi se, sve po malo. Kako si mi ti?
- Ja evo dobro nego me ovaj moj mali brine. Znaš da mu škola nikad nije
išla od ruke, uvek je vukao jedinice, ma ni tu srednju nije zavrsio... Pa
sam razmišljao dal' bre imaš tu neki poslic za njega u Vladi Srbije,da ne
dangubi po ceo dan?
- Kako da nema, mora za kuma da ima, uvek! Zaposlicu ga da mi bude
pomoćnik, 3500€ plata, službeni auto, telefon, boli ga uvo.
- Jao kume, nemoj! Mnogo je to, šta će njemu toliki novac, pomahnitace,
znas da je problematican. Daj nešto razumnije...
- Dobro kume, razumem. Neka bude asistent moje sekretarice. Plata 1500€ ,
nema kola al' dobice dobar telefon, racun uvek placen, moze i Ameriku da
zove, šta ga briga !
- Nemoj da se ljutis kume, ali i to je mnogo, nije ti on za tol'ke pare,
skliznuce na neku stranputicu. Daj ako ima neki normalan posao za 200-300
evrića pa da mora malo da razmislja i da se pomuci, ima li tako sta!?
- E jebi ga kume...... Za to mu treba fakultet....