From: Ivica
This is the situation: there's a beautiful princess trapped in a castle
watched by a dragon. Here's the end of the story with different styles
of metalheads as knights.
POWER METAL:
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon,
saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
THRASH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks
her.
HEAVY METAL:
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few
beers and fucks the princess.
FOLK METAL:
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins,
flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls sleep (because
of all the dancing). Then they all leave... without the princess.
VIKING METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe,
skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her
belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
DEATH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills
her, then leaves.
BLACK METAL:
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in
front of the castle. Then he sodomises the princess, and drinks her
blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next
to the dragon.
GORE METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads its guts in front
of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead
body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the
carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last
time.
DOOM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could
never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon
eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad
story.
PROGRESSIVE METAL:
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes.
The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives at the
princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes
he learned in the last year at the conservatory. The princess escapes
looking for the "HEAVY METAL" protagonist.
GLAM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and
lets him enter. He steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the
castle in a beautiful pink color.
NU METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a run-down Honda Civic and attempts to fight
the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch
fire.
GRINDCORE:
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for
about 2 minutes and then leaves.
INDUSTRIAL METAL:
The protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes obscene
gestures towards the dragon and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by
security guards.
EMOCORE:
The protagonists' mother drives the protagonist and his friends to the
castle. He kills the dragon with some awesome armspinning and
spinkicking while his friends observing the scene with their arms
crossed; then the princess laughes at the protagonists ridiculous
hairstyle and the boys leave weeping.
PUNK:
The protagonist hitchhikes to the castle, asks the dragon for some
bucks, buys some cans of beer, gets pissed, insults the princess as
"monarchist cunt" and "commerce bitch" and leaves the castle in a black
maria.
PORNO GRIND:
The Protagonist arrives at the castle without any clothes on and grunts
loudly for a few minutes. Then he fucks the dragon in every body cavity
it has, kills the dragon, fucks the carcass the same way again, grunts
loudly again for a few minutes, grabs the princess and fucks her in
every body cavity she has, kills her and fucks her in the same way
again. Then he piles up the dragon's and princess's remains, fucks them
in every body cavity they have, grunts loudly and screams senselessly
for a few minutes. Then he leaves.
POP ROCK:
The protagonist arrives in a limo. The dragon lets them in as long as
they sign an autograph for its mum who is a big fan. The protagonist
leaves with the princess and they get married.
GOTHIC METAL:
The protagonist arrives along with a cold wind of winter in the middle
of the night, frustrates the heck out of the dragon untill it dies of
fear and desolation, comes to the princess and discusses how to clean
make- ups without inflicting skin irritation.
METALCORE:
The protagonist swings his feet and arms about wildly, accidently
knocking the dragon out. Then he storms off in anger that someone messed
up his dance routine.
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